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Monday Nov 23 2015

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

We have Adele on the show tonight! We thought we'd do everyone a service and help them get their crying out BEFORE Thanksgiving.

In a speech last week, Bernie Sanders called for a new global alliance with Russia and the Middle East to fight threats around the world. Then people said, “You mean like Russia and the Middle East?”

Ted Cruz's campaign announced that it's going to launch a national “prayer team” next month, where people will pray for Cruz to win. Then God said, “Oh I tuned out of this thing weeks ago.”

Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka said that her father loves eating at McDonald's. It makes sense, considering the “McFlurry” is also what Trump asks for when he goes to the barber.

Prince William and Kate recently made plans for their baby daughter, Princess Charlotte, to join the Girl Scouts when she turns five. That's how good Girl Scout cookies are. Even royalty is like, “We need someone on the inside.”



The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

A new poll found that 54 percent of Americans say it’s too early to be playing Christmas music. I couldn’t agree more. Now let’s talk about the 2016 presidential race.

Donald Trump said in an interview today that it is highly unlikely that he would ever use nuclear weapons as president. Meanwhile, Ben Carson said, “Hey, what does this button do?”

After a protestor was assaulted at a Donald Trump rally this weekend Trump told reporters, “Maybe he should have been roughed up because it was absolutely disgusting what he was doing.” And he might have a point, because what the man was doing was attending a Trump rally.

Drug makers Pfizer and Allergan today announced a $160 billion merger. It’s the largest pharmaceutical merger since the one that takes place every day in Keith Richards’ stomach.

A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can have up to an 85 percent accuracy rate of detecting breast cancer in humans. Which means that 15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs.



The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

The group Anonymous, an international network of computer hackers who attack websites and steal personal information in the name of justice, announced last week that they are going to war with ISIS. As if ISIS didn't already have its hands full, now they have to change all their passwords!

So far, Anonymous has been responsible for the deletion of over 5,000 ISIS Twitter accounts. That's right. They're hitting ISIS where it hurts the most. Retweets.

Right now, all the ISIS Facebook accounts are posting messages like "Guys, I think I've been hacked. If you got a message from me saying, ‘I love America,’ that wasn't me. Clearly, I hate America. You guys know me."

Remember earlier this year when a hacker group released all the names of users of Ashley Madison? You remember that? What if this ISIS thing plays out like that? Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be if Anonymous leaked a list of ISIS members and your dad was on it?

This weekend, one of the heads of the infamous Gambino crime family gave an interview in which he announced that the mafia was prepared to protect New York City from ISIS. How did they announce this? Isn't the mafia supposed to be secretive?



The Tonight Show Starring with Stephen Colbert

This Thanksgiving I'm feeling a little betrayed because it has just been revealed that the grocery store labels on the turkey mean very little. Fresh, young, natural, meaningless.

Apparently fresh turkey just means it's not fully frozen. Young turkey means they weren't allowed to die of old age. Natural turkey has the same legal standing as cheez with two Es and a Z and wild turkey means you're too drunk to care anymore.

The point is it seems like the only ones you can trust these days are the good people at Butterball. They're all about helping you understand your turkey. In fact, Butterball's been running a toll-free hotline for turkey-cooking tips since 1981.

Every year the turkey talk line receives more than 100,000 phone calls, but sadly, they have not once been able to save the turkey's life.

While the hotline opens on November 2nd, not surprisingly the volume peaks on Thanksgiving Day, so right now, Butterball is paying Turkey experts to sit by the phone. But no one is calling.


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