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Thursday Oct 22 2015

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

I don't know if anybody was watching the Benghazi hearings. They were going all day. There was one moment when a representative told Hillary Clinton he could wait while she read her notes. She said, “I can do more than one thing at a time.” Then Bill Clinton said, "When I say that, I get in trouble."

The Chinese community, the Communist Party has banned gluttony, excessive drinking and adultery. Now hey, if you guys don't want American tourists, just say so!

Scientists are reportedly testing a new anti-aging drug that could lengthen the lives of dogs. Wouldn't that be great? And even better, shorten the lives of cats.

Yesterday, the Chicago Cubs were knocked out of the baseball playoffs. Just swept, knocked out. Or as it’s known in Chicago, the first sign of winter. That's how they know. It's right up there with the first frost.



The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

I'm really getting into the Brooklyn lifestyle. I've been double parking in bike lanes. I started pickling vegetables in my hotel room. We're in for quite a night at the opera house.

The unthinkable has happened, the Mets are going to the World Series. Last night, a four-game sweep of the Chicago Cubs. Mets haven't won a World Series since 1986. The world was a lot different in 1986. We thought "Crocodile Dundee" was a good movie.

It's really great to be back in Brooklyn. It's a big adjustment from L.A. I'll tell you one thing, people cross the street here whenever they want to and it's weird. In L.A., we wait for the light. It's a little bit of a culture shock. Last night, my wife and I were waiting at the crosswalk and the light was red, but even though there was no traffic, we just stood there waiting for permission to move. Then I decided, you know what? We're just going to cross. And we did. I'll tell you something, I've never felt more in command of my life.


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