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Thursday Oct 15 2015

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Today we have what they call the great shakeout. It's an emergency earthquake drill. It's a worldwide thing. They say 22 million people participated in it today. Do you know what to do if there is an earthquake? First thing you do is tweet it. Then you got to Instagram, then Facebook. And then, you get under a desk. If you feel the ground start to move, go under a table and do yoga. Those are also my instructions for lovemaking, by the way.

The best way to survive an earthquake is to move to a place that doesn't ever have them. But if the big one does hit, don't run. If there's an earthquake, try to contact your nearest Dwayne Johnson. And he will help you, he will save you.

Starbucks is adding a new feature to their drive-through locations, video screens. So that way you can see the person misspell your name on the cup while it's happening. Video screens will be added to 2,400 Starbucks which I think is how many we have on this block.

Democratic presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders was on "Ellen" today. A lot of people, myself included, said Bernie Sanders doesn't have the style or the charisma to be president. But he came out dancing on "Ellen." I think we owe him an apology.



The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Now that the dust has settled from the Democratic debate, it looks like Hillary Clinton is going to remain the Democratic front-runner. And believe it or not over on the Republican side, Donald Trump is still in the lead. And now Trump is saying that he should be given Secret Service protection. As opposed to his current security: having Gary Busey follow him around with some nunchucks.

A study found that one of the most popular searches during the debate was, “Is Bernie Sanders Jewish?” While the most popular response on Google was, “Come on.”

Analysts are saying that Joe Biden was actually the biggest loser in the debate, and that he missed his chance to enter the race. Yeah, they said entering now would be awkward and inappropriate - or as Biden put it, “Those are my two middle names! I’m in!”

New research shows that China has a bigger middle class than America, and more people in China are living what we would call the “American Dream.” That’s when you know things are bad - when even the American DREAM is made in China.



The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

CNN's Wolf Blitzer told Democratic presidential hopeful Lincoln Chafee yesterday that he is going to wind up looking silly if he stays in the race. And let's face it, also if he doesn't. Chafee then told Blitzer that he'll remain in the race as long as he can continue to raise important issues. And you know he's got a point. I mean, literally, he's got one point.

Donald Trump is reportedly threatening to pull out of the next GOP debate unless CNBC reinstates opening and closing statements. And Lincoln Chafee is threatening to pull out of the next Democratic debate if there are going to be questions.

This week was Earth Science week. It's the week you have to celebrate if you aren't smart enough for bio or chemistry week.

Donald Trump's son said in an interview last night that everything his dad has ever touched has turned to gold. Well, not everything. Jeb's still waiting to turn to gold.

U.S. Airways will make its final flight tomorrow before it becomes a part of American Airlines on Saturday. Wait, I'm sorry, no, it's been delayed until next week. And now it's cancelled.


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