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Thursday Oct 01 2015

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

A word association poll found the words most associated with Donald Trump are idiot, jerk, stupid, and dumb. In other words, he really could be our next president. He's got everything it takes.

Hurricane Joaquin is set to hit the East Coast. Could cause historic rainfall. East Coast residents are concerned. California residents are jealous.

Due to Hurricane Joaquin Governor Christie has declared a state of emergency in New Jersey. Christie spent the day stocking up on tons of groceries — and then he heard about the hurricane.

Today is World Vegetarian Day. There were supposed to be rallies but nobody had the energy.

A man in Canada has pled guilty to trespassing into a home and doing laundry and feeding the owner's cat. The man is being described by authorities as marriage material.

In Russia a man injected himself with 3.5 million-year-old bacteria in hopes of becoming immortal. His funeral is Thursday.

Burger King has begun bottling its own merlot and they call it Whopper Wine. Not to be outdone, 7-Eleven has begun selling a product fermented for six months. They call it a hot dog.



The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Much to the dismay of many Republicans, a new report said Donald Trump is still leading in the polls, and one voter was quoted as saying, “Unfortunately, I'm leaning toward Trump.” Even worse, that voter was Jeb Bush.

Congrats to the Toronto Blue Jays for making the playoffs for the first time in 22 years. Nothing says “America's pastime” more than a bunch of guys from the Dominican Republic playing for a team in Canada.

I read that after facing protests, Whole Foods announced that it will no longer sell food that has been prepared by prison inmates. Customers were like, “This is great news — wait, WHAT?!”

Donald Trump's wife Melania just gave an interview where she said their 9-year-old son Barron wants to grow up to be a golfer, a businessman, and a pilot. When Melania told him that's very unlikely to happen, he replied, “Dad's in first place for president, anything can happen.”



The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has declared a state of emergency in preparation for Hurricane Joaquin. And Donald Trump declared a state of emergency as soon as he heard the name “Joaquin.”

Today is World Vegetarian Day. So if you’re a vegetarian … we know. You already told us.

A new app has launched called Peeple which will allow users to give zero- to five-star ratings of their friends and acquaintances. It works like this: If you join that site, you get zero stars.

A processing company that supplies chicken to KFC was fined this week after an employee lost two fingertips while on the job. Which explains their new slogan, “It’s Finger Losin’ Good!”

Oregon’s recreational marijuana shops began selling to the public today. Experts expect it to be a big hit, followed by a bunch of coughing.



The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

Jeb Bush, the front-runner who's currently losing — if he won, Jeb Bush would be America's third Bush president. Three presidents from the same family. Even I think that's messed up, and I come from a country that still has a queen.

Ben Carson talks like he forgot he had a press conference and just took a load of Benadryl. This guy is a retired surgeon. Apparently, instead of giving his patients anesthesia, he just talked to them until they passed out.

Ben Carson has made a lot of controversial statements. He's said prison turns people gay and that Obamacare is the worst thing to happen to our country since slavery. And that was just to his waitress at breakfast.

This is what happens when you give Donald Trump attention: Everyone else seems reasonable in comparison. Ben Carson is over here saying "You're Hitler!" "Obamacare is slavery!" And we're like, "Finally, an adult in the room!"



The Tonight Show Starring with Stephen Colbert

The Iowa caucuses are just a scant four months away. Meaning the presidential election is just around the corner from the corner we haven't gotten around yet.

Today is the day all candidates have to report to the Federal Election Commission how much money they've received in the past three months. The big news is that Vermont senator and rooftop beekeeper Bernie Sanders took in a whopping $26 million. That's more than twice as much money as Jeb Bush pulled in, even though this summer I gave Jeb Bush $3.

There's another breakthrough moment in campaign fundraising. Florida Sen. Marco Rubio's website already features some great merchandise like a Marco Polo shirt, or a water bottle that says "Water great nation."

The fundraising breakthrough on the Rubio website is that for $250 you can adopt a Rubio staffer for a day. That really pulls at the heart strings. I wasn't going to donate to Marco Rubio but I can't let his staff who are evidently orphans go unpurchased.


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