×
Newsmax TV & Webwww.newsmax.comFREE - In Google Play
VIEW
×
Newsmax TV & Webwww.newsmax.comFREE - On the App Store
VIEW
Skip to main content
JokesPageHeader
     
Thursday Sep 24 2015

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Yesterday at one of the Pope's appearances, you probably saw the footage, a 5-year-old Mexican-American girl broke through security. Luckily, she was tackled by 16 Republican presidential candidates.

The president of China is going to be at the White House. I just hope the president of China likes leftover Pope food.

Today Donald Trump said he doesn't believe in climate change. He said if there's a hole in the ozone layer, just comb some ozone from another part over it.



The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

There's going to be a total lunar eclipse and a super moon on Sunday, both of them at once. That has not happened since 1982, it won't happen again until 2033 — which happens be the year when Snooki is expected to be seeking the Republican nomination for president.

The pope was in Washington, D.C., this morning. He addressed Congress. He gave a 15-minute speech in just under an hour.

Of course Donald Trump did weigh in on the Pope. He said he likes the Pope very much but he doesn't agree with him on climate change or immigration. He said he doesn't believe in climate change or gravity. He doesn't believe in either of those things.



The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Please, please sit down. Now please stand up. Now kneel. Now stand up again. Sorry, I've got Pope fever!

I saw that Pope Francis held his first-ever prayer here in New York City earlier this evening. I guess it was halfway through his first New York City cab ride. "Holy Mary Mother of God, pray for us sinners..."

While he was in Washington, the Pope gave a major speech to Congress, and asked them to accept immigrants as their own children. Then congressmen were like, "Eh, we've already got enough children our wives don't know about.”

And in a speech yesterday, Pope Francis urged American bishops to “flee the temptation of narcissism.” Then bishops were like, "Oooh! He's talking about us!"

Donald Trump announced yesterday that he will no longer be appearing on Fox News because he believes they treat him unfairly. Then President Obama was like, “You. Are. ADORABLE! Really? Wow.”



The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

After Pope Francis became the first pontiff to address a joint session of Congress today, he went to meet with a group of homeless people. That’s right, he spoke to some people who spend all their time begging for money, and then he met with the homeless.

Donald Trump was scheduled to appear on Fox News’ “The O’Reilly Factor” tonight, but Fox canceled him after his recent comments criticizing the network. So if you want to hear about Donald Trump, you’ll just have to try CNN, MSNBC, ABC, NBC, CBS, Bravo, Facebook, Twitter, or going outside.

A 105-year-old Japanese man has set a new record in his age group for the 100-meter dash. He barely outran the guy right behind him.



The Tonight Show Starring with Stephen Colbert

Pope Francis is in America. Can you feel it? There is a certain electricity in the air and the nation's 70 million Catholics have the kind of excitement that we usually don't have unless we're asking forgiveness for it afterwards.

Our entire show is dedicated to Pope Francis' historic visit to the U.S. It's an hour long, so it might be the shortest Catholic service you'll ever sit through.

Facebook went down briefly today, which means that for several minutes all across the country, something got done.


Recommended
Free Newsmax E-Alerts
Email:
Country:
Zip Code:
Privacy: We never share your email.
 
TOP

Newsmax, Moneynews, Newsmax Health, and Independent. American. are registered trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc. Newsmax TV, and Newsmax World are trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc.

NEWSMAX.COM
America's News Page
© Newsmax Media, Inc.
All Rights Reserved
Download the NewsmaxTV App
NEWSMAX.COM
America's News Page
© Newsmax Media, Inc.
All Rights Reserved