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Friday Jan 08 2010

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

In an effort to calm people after the latest security problems, the White House said it is working even harder to find Osama bin Laden. The frustrating part is that we almost had him. Earlier this year, he snuck into the White House state dinner.

The underwear bomber pleaded "not guilty" in court today. He had a bomb in his underpants. What's his defense going to be, "I was framed by the Fruit of the Loom guys?"

According to the New York Post, White House budget director Peter Orszag announced his engagement to an ABC news reporter, six weeks after his ex-girlfriend gave birth to his baby. Of course, people were shocked that the White House has a budget director.

ESPN has announced that they are launching a 3-D sports network. Industry analysts say this will absolutely revolutionize the way Americans don't watch soccer.

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Next week President Obama is going to an auto show that will feature all the hot, new models from the Big Three automakers. No word yet on when he gets back from Japan.

Cold weather continues to be the big story in most of the United States. Today in Georgia it was 15 degrees. I don’t want to rub it in, but in L.A., 15 degrees is the angle of our tanning chairs.

This week in New York, police arrested a man who tried to steal 43 sticks of underarm deodorant from a drugstore. The man is being described as “not European.”

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

Tourism is way down in New York City. The only foreign visitors we have are from Guantanamo.

American Airlines had three botched landings in December, so the FAA is taking a really close look at them. But on the other hand, US Air lands in the Hudson and that’s OK?

President Obama was named “Most Admired American,” and I’m proud that my name is also on that list, a little farther down. I was right in between the balloon dad and Carrot Top.

Remember Rod Blagojevich? He will be appearing on Celebrity Apprentice. But already, there was a very ugly incident. In rehearsal, that thing on Donald Trump’s head attacked the thing on Rod Blagojevich’s head.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman Top Ten

Announced he's finally marrying Stedman

Abruptly ran off the set yelling, "I must defeat the kaiser!"

Begins each segment by asking guest to give him a sponge bath

During interview, kept calling Tony Danza "Betty"

At dinner, he picked up the check -- somebody call his doctor, people!

Won't shut up about how great his sex life is with Frank Gifford

Today, picked the Giants to win the Super Bowl

Hasn't told an endless Joey Bishop story in days

Still wearing the backless hospital gown

Keeps referring to his hip as "The Situation"

The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

Marylin Manson announced today that he is engaged to actress Evan Rachel Wood. If you’re looking to get them a present, they’re registered at Bed, Bath, & Bizarre.

It won’t be long before we hear the pitter-patter of little devil worshipping weirdoes.

Elvis Presley would have been 75 today. He was a deputy in Nixon’s war on drugs. That’s like having Tiger Woods give out promise rings.

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

While speaking about the war on terror yesterday, President Obama said, “There is, of course, no foolproof solution. We have to stay one step ahead of a nimble adversary.” Sounds like somebody saw Sherlock Holmes over the holiday.

President Obama also said, “We are at war against al-Qaida, and we will do whatever it takes to defeat them.” Then Obama was like, “Literally whatever it takes — speeches, talks, speech talks, talks about speeches, speaking about the talk I just spoke about.”

In Obama’s defense, he is taking responsibility for the security lapse on Christmas. Obama said, “Ultimately the buck stops with me.” Then he was like, “Unless it’s a billion bucks, in which case it just goes to AIG.”

The Mexican government says that Starbucks is using a pre-Aztec logo without permission. In fairness, Mexico is using the United States without permission.

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