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Thursday Sep 10 2015

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

The Patriots have been at the center of all sorts of cheating allegations. If these reports we've seen over the last couple of days are accurate, the Patriots cheated more than everyone on Ashley Madison combined.

In a new CNN poll released this morning, Donald Trump is still on top, 32 percent among Republican voters, far ahead of his nearest rival. There's a reason Donald Trump is on top of the CNN poll and that is because he's constantly on CNN. If CNN and Fox and MSNBC and everyone ran nonstop coverage of Honey Nut Cheerios we would have a box of cereal running the country.

Today Trump is getting criticized. He made comments about one of his rivals in the race for the Republican nomination, Carly Fiorina. At this point Donald Trump has publicly attacked more women than he's married. Which is a lot.

When your own face looks like an orange ate a lemon, maybe you shouldn't criticize other faces.



The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Earlier tonight was the big season opener for the NFL, where the Patriots played their first game since the “Deflategate” scandal. I don’t want to say the refs spent a long time examining balls, but today, they were hired by the TSA.

Yesterday, Hillary Clinton vowed to take military action if Iran moves toward creating nuclear weapons, or if she loses to Bernie Sanders. "Fire up the drones!"

The U.S. Surgeon General released a statement this week that said more Americans should start going on walks. You know we’re setting the bar a little low when the Surgeon General goes from saying “We should exercise more” to “Just stand up for once.”

The Surgeon General said more Americans should start going on walks. Then to everyone's surprise, he added, "Even if you're just going out to have a smoke."

The nominees for this year’s CMAs were announced yesterday. And they include country music superstars like Kenny Chesney, Luke Bryan, Garth Brooks, whiskey, beer, trucks, and divorce.



The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

Donald Trump is under fire after he was caught saying of his Republican rival Carly Fiorina, "Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that?" Then an aide said, “Mr. Trump, you’re pointing at a mirror.”

The new Guinness Book of World Records came out today and Andre Ortolf of Germany managed to get in for three records including fastest 100-meter dash wearing ski boots, and fastest 100-meter dash wearing clogs. Ortolf is, of course, best known as the long-time holder of the world record for lightest schedule.

Kylie Jenner has started revealing in interviews how she gets her lips to stay so big. And it’s actually pretty simple: She’s allergic to nuts.

A skydiver uploaded a video of himself yesterday jumping out of a plane and solving a Rubik’s cube during free fall. And to prove that he actually solved it, the funeral was open casket.

A new fish species called the “blue bastard” was discovered in Australia this week. While the orange bastard continues to lead the GOP polls.



The Tonight Show Starring with Stephen Colbert

I'm super excited about being on a network that has football twice a week because I'm a huge fan. I've got pigskin in my blood. That's why I'm on Lipitor. My doctor says my cholesterol is slightly higher than a seven-layer dip.

With all the talk about the presidential race, it's easy to forget that we're still 14 months from Election Day. Which means we're just nine years away from the end of the Trump presidency.

A new CNN poll shows Trump in first place with 32 percent more than his two closest rivals combined. He's now towering so high in the polls he turned his own bar graph into luxury condos.


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