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Tuesday Jun 30 2015

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Chris Christie gave a 20-minute speech to announce he's running for president in his high school's gymnasium. It was the longest period of time Christie has ever spent in a gym.

Chris Christie launched his presidential campaign in the gymnasium of his old high school. He wanted to launch it in his school's cafeteria but there's still a restraining order.

Christie's campaign slogan is "Telling it like it is." This is in contrast to Hillary's slogan, "Explaining why this is not what it looks like."

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

There's a huge financial crisis in Greece. They're in terrible trouble. Greece announced they're going to default on their nearly $1.8 billion loan. Who would have thought the country that invented the philosophy major would be broke?



The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

We have a new candidate for president today — New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. He's a Republican, which means he joins the 400 other Republicans running for president.

If I was Chris Christie and everyone was focused on my weight, I'd pick an even fatter running mate — someone huge, like 600 pounds.

Donald Trump sued Univision today for $500 million, which everyone's making a big deal about, but what future president hasn't sued a TV network for pulling his beauty pageant off the air? When Roosevelt did it, no one said a word.

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul was in Denver today hosting a briefing event during the cannabis business summit. It's a very good plan. Once they give you money, there's a good chance they'll forget and give you money again.

I don't know if Rand Paul has to go to Colorado. If he wants money from stoners, he should just become a pizza delivery guy.


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