JokesPageHeader
     
Tuesday Apr 28 2015

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Due to civil unrest in Baltimore, tomorrow's game between the Orioles and the White Sox will be played to an empty stadium. When asked for comments, players on the Milwaukee Brewers said, "You get used to it."

A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone.

Prince William's pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, "Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life."

Bruce Jenner will be getting his own reality show. Unfortunately, as a woman Jenner will be making only 70 percent of what he made on his last reality show.



The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There's a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him.

The Tony Awards were announced. Nominees included "You Can't Take It With You," "The King and I," and "On the Town." I'm telling you, it's been a great year for Broadway. Unfortunately, the year is 1944.

Once again, "The Late Show" was nominated for a Tony Award. Yes, in the category "Biggest waste of a Broadway theater."



The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton wrote an Op-Ed for a paper in Iowa about her plans to help the middle class. Middle-class Americans said, “Why didn't you just say that in a speech?” and she said, “Because I charge $200,000 for a speech.”

During a recent press conference, former President Jimmy Carter said he could never run for president today because he doesn’t have a lot of money. Well, that and the fact that he's the famously bad president Jimmy Carter.

Blackberry is being criticized after it misspelled the word “won” in an ad celebrating a design award. Instead of w-o-n they put o-n-e. Blackberry apologized for the spelling mistake and promised the person responsible has been fried.

The new Apple Watch officially launched today. There's a new trend — people cutting actual apples and strapping them to their wrists in celebration of the Apple Watch. And if you shop at Whole Foods, it actually ends up costing as much as the real thing.



The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton has temporarily changed her campaign logo to rainbow colors in support of marriage equality. Of course, her idea of marriage equality is both of you should get to be president.

While covering the earthquake in Nepal this week, CNN correspondent Sanjay Gupta helped medical personnel perform brain surgery. Gupta said he was excited to work with brains again after being at CNN for so long.

Scientists have discovered that Tyrannosaurus Rex may have had a vegetarian cousin. Man, it must suck to have a vegetarian in the family when your arms are too short to cover your ears.

Starbucks has a new S'mores Frappuccino, which became available today. It's perfect for those people looking to gain s'more weight.



The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

There are rumors that Leonardo DiCaprio is now on Tinder. Leo, buddy, please give the rest of humanity a fighting chance. There should be a ban on handsome movie stars on Tinder. Tinder's not for you. Tinder's for me.

Nicki Minaj made a 13-year-old boy's dream come true when she performed at his bar mitzvah over the weekend. I'm a grown man with my own TV show and I can't get her to perform.

How many people were at that bar mitzvah — 300? Nicki, we have almost double that watching this show right now. Think about what this could do for your career.

Imagine being the kid at that school who's having the next bar mitzvah. How do you compete with that? His friends will say, "What, you're having a magician? He'd better reach into his hat and pull out Beyoncé."


Recommended
Free Newsmax E-Alerts
Email:
Country:
Zip Code:
Privacy: We never share your email.
 

Newsmax, Moneynews, Newsmax Health, and Independent. American. are registered trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc. Newsmax TV, and Newsmax World are trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc.

NEWSMAX.COM
America's News Page
© Newsmax Media, Inc.
All Rights Reserved