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Tuesday Mar 24 2015

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Tea party candidate Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He says he wants to abolish the IRS. So today Cruz was endorsed by Nicolas Cage, Wesley Snipes, and Willie Nelson.

Ted Cruz says he used to like rock music but after 9/11, he prefers country. Upon hearing this, al-Qaida said, "That was the plan."

Burger King announced its chicken fries will be served year round now. Previously, the chicken fries have only been sold during heart attack season but now you can get them whenever you want.

A new article states that millennials have terrible conversational skills. When asked for comment, millennials texted a series of crying frowny faces.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

President Obama and Hillary Clinton had lunch today. Of course, Hillary had a private server.

Tea party candidate Ted Cruz, Republican senator from Texas, wants to be president. That means he's one step closer to being a Fox News analyst.

Republican Congressman Peter King called Ted Cruz a carnival barker. That is such an insult to carnival barkers.

Ted Cruz is the first official candidate for the 2016 presidential election. As history has shown, the first declared candidate always goes on to win the election — except in 2012, 2008, 2004, 2000, 1996, 1992, 1988, 1984, 1980, 1976, 1972, 1968, 1964, 1960, 1956 . . .

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

During a recent interview, President Obama revealed that he doesn't always get enough sleep. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Good! We pay you to worry about stuff so WE can sleep. That’s why you are the president. ”

President Obama admitted that he doesn't get enough sleep. But doctors said he should find little tricks to doze off, like counting intruders jumping over the White House fence.

Over the weekend, a man in Italy hand-delivered a pizza to Pope Francis while he was riding through the streets in his Popemobile. That means he just achieved "peak Italian."

A man delivered a pizza to Pope Francis. Francis actually liked it more than the pizza he gets from his usual place — “Pope-a-John's.”

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

Former president George W. Bush will be in Dallas this week raising money for his brother Jeb's presidential run. He plans to raise the money by campaigning for Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz said today that if elected president, he'll tell the truth and do what he said he'd do. And guys, I know we've been burned 44 times on this, but I have a good feeling about this guy.

Despite being Pope for only a short time, Pope Francis is already being credited with a miracle. Apparently, he called Time Warner Cable and got a representative right away.

A new study has found that 70 minutes of math and science homework per night is best for teenage students. Said teenage students, "What? That's two hours!"

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