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Wednesday Feb 19 2014

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Today at the Olympics the Russian men's hockey team, which was favored, was eliminated by Finland. Then an hour later, the Russian men's hockey team was eliminated by Putin.

Today the Russian hockey team lost and was knocked out of the Olympics. People in Russia haven't been this depressed since last week.

In Florida, a 101-year-old man is planning to run for Congress. His slogan is "Vote for me and then vote again in two months."



The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

Snow and ice have frozen and hardened over tons and tons of garbage. Here in New York City we call that the giant slalom.

President Obama met with Mexico's president. This was a rare trip for Obama. Usually he sends Dennis Rodman.

Obama had a message for Mexicans. He said, "If you like your fajitas, you can keep your fajitas."

Charlie Sheen is getting married to an adult film star. She's no longer in the adult film industry. She is what they call a retired porn star. Too many concussions.



The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

There is a big celebrity birthday today. Happy birthday to 15th century astronomer Nicolaus Copernicus.

Copernicus is considered the "father of astronomy." I know you're thinking, "Craig, you can't do a monologue about Nicolaus Copernicus. That was Jay Leno's signature bit." That's true, but Leno's gone now. That's why he was fired, because of all the stuff he did on Copernicus.

Happy birthday, Nicolaus Copernicus. Valentine's Day may be over, but I'd like give him a great big Coperni-kiss.

Copernicus wasn't just an astronomer. He also practiced medicine, but without a proper medical degree. He was like a 15th century Dr. Phil.



The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

They had the lottery drawing tonight. The jackpot was around $400 million. That makes it the fourth biggest in Powerball history. Last year, an 84-year-old woman won $590 million. Then she blew it all on butterscotch candies and dolphin figurines.

At the Olympics the U.S. now leads the total medal count with 23. That's important because the country with the most medals at the end of the Olympics gets the best parking spot at the United Nations for the next two years.

There's bad blood in the world of Olympic ice dancing. The Canadian team won the silver medal, but they're upset because their Russian coach also coaches the American team that won the gold medal. The top two teams have the same coach. How is that possible? How does that coach give a pep talk?

The Canadians say their coach gave the American team preferential treatment. They say they complained about this several times but to no avail. I don't know much about ice dancing so this might sound crazy, but maybe get a different coach. Or does that break some ice dancing code of honor?


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