Dr. Aline Zoldbrod - Sexual Health
Dr. Aline Zoldbrod is a well-known Boston-based licensed psychologist, individual and couples therapist, and an AASECT certified sex therapist. She is the author of three commercially published books about sexuality and relationships. Her book, SexSmart: How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life and What to Do About It has been translated into four languages and was recognized as one of the top three sex-help books of the year. She is an adjunct faculty member at the University of Michigan Sexual Health Certificate Program. You can find her at sexsmart.com.
Tags: intimacy | relationships | counseling | aline zoldbrod

Initiating Sex Might Take Creativity

Dr. Aline Zoldbrod By Thursday, 15 February 2024 04:18 PM EST Current | Bio | Archive

When people are in the beginning stages of love — what you might consider the “lust” phase — there’s rarely any problem initiating sex. At that point in the relationship, you’re dazzled with and obsessed by the other person. And having sex pretty much trumps any other activity, including hobbies, job responsibilities, and sleeping.

It’s not even uncommon for people to lose weight during this phase because they lose their appetite. All focus is on the beloved. And when you finally do see your beloved, sex is the first item on the agenda.

But oh, how things change when the relationship is cemented. Suddenly, your body is not filled with the endless energy you felt at the beginning of the relationship. You feel fatigue like a normal person — not like the superhuman energy you felt in the beginning.

Perhaps you get married, and maybe you are lucky enough to get a new home. The regular activities of life resume and having sex no longer bumps all other activities aside. If you’re a student, you go back to the demands of your studies. If you work, you begin to pay attention to your boss. (Love doesn’t pay the bills.) If you are a homemaker, you notice floors that need to be swept and dishes that need to be done. If you now have children, their needs trump all the wishes you have, and exhaustion is not uncommon.

Just figuring out when to have sex becomes an issue. Unlike the beginning of the relationship, it can be hard to get in synch when it comes to having sex.

This is a common problem, Luckily, there are solutions, especially if the couple is just busy, rather than e grappling with a genuine discrepancy in sexual desire. Some couples simply need coaching.

There’s even a company that created a high-tech solution to initiating sexual activity. They created an electronic device called “lovesynch.” The initial product consisted of two buttons, one for each side of the bed. If either person was interested in sex, they hit the button by their side of the bed. If the partner was also interested, they pressed their button. Then both buttons were activated, emitting a vibrating light and letting both people know that sex was desired right then.

The developers of LoveSynch presented their invention on the TV show Shark Tank, but the sharks were not entranced. They felt the product was too technological, and that the humanity of a sexual relationship needed to be stripped of the high-tech trappings of modern life.

Fortunately there are many low-tech ways to initiate sex. Here are a few ideas to start with (I’m sure you can think of some more):

● Wear a sexy item of clothing or a special accessory that you know appeals to your partner.

● Have a code word that the two of you decide on when you’re in the mood. (Don’t make it too bizarre, or your friends who overhear might think you are strange.)

● Use inanimate objects to indicate your wishes. One couple had two figurines that they kept on mantel, one to represent each of them. When one person was interested in sex, they placed their figurine horizontally on the mantel. When the second person was interested, they, too, placed their figurine down horizontally. So when the couple checked out the mantel, which they did routinely, and both figurines were lying down, they knew it was “sexy time.”

● Offer a massage.

● Initiate a long, lingering kiss. This can work wonders because the mouth and lips are major erogenous zones. So if the kiss is accepted enthusiastically, there is a good probability that other pleasures will follow.

If you’re having problems initiating sex, try some of these strategies and see if your ability to get in synch improves. Hopefully, it will.

© 2024 NewsmaxHealth. All rights reserved.

When people are in the beginning stages of love — what you might consider the “lust” phase — there’s rarely any problem initiating sex. At that point in the relationship, you’re dazzled with and obsessed by the other person.
intimacy, relationships, counseling, aline zoldbrod
Thursday, 15 February 2024 04:18 PM
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