The time has come for a new major football league. A league that actually stands for something. The Un-American Football League (UAFL).
The UAFL will avoid embarrassing fights over the national anthem and the American flag by banning all nationalist symbolisms from its games. Socialist Conference games will open with Eugene Pottier's and Pierre De Geyter's "Internationale." Games in the Progressive Conference will open with John Lennon's "Imagine."
The UAFL also will protect the public from the indignities of team names that inflict emotional violence.
Trigger warning: Hateful words may traumatize the hyper-sensitive and students at elite universities.
Consider just a few professional team names evocative of America’s great evils: Racism (Redskins, Indians); the Civil War (Rebels); Eurocentricism and white supremacy (Vikings, Celtics); war and violence (Rangers, Warriors); weapons (Sabres, Rockets); jingoism (Nationals, Patriots); God and faith (Saints, Angels); the patriarchy (Kings, Padres); speciesism (Bengals, Dolphins); environmental irresponsibility (49ers, Steelers); insensitivity to victims of natural disaster (hurricanes, avalanche); sexual assault (predators), cultural appropriation (jazz); and on and on.
To avoid potentially hurtful associations, all UAFL teams will be named for martyrs put to death by the state, allegedly for killing cops, but really for living out the script uncaring society wrote for them. Should the name of any team sound too close to a word that someday causes potential discomfort, the league reserves the right to change the name without notice to franchise owners, players, fans, municipalities, or merchandising partners.
On the field, UAFL teams will exemplify the finest and most important virtues of contemporary society: safety and consent.
The UAFL will leave no stone unturned in protecting its players. UAFL agents will scour the country for concerned parents, social scientists, and community organizers eager to propose ways to make football safer for children. Operating on the principle that if it’s good enough for someone’s kids its good enough for professional athletes, the UAFL will make all such suggestions mandatory.
Any other approach would be monstrous — after all, if it can help even one player avoid even one injury, no matter how minor.
Because the UAFL respects the fluidity of every player’s gender identity and sexual preferences, consent will be a bedrock principle. The league recognizes that any player may experience any form of unwanted physical contact as a sexual assault.
To avoid becoming a league of rapists, UAFL rules will require all offensive players to specify which members of the defense are allowed to touch them, and precisely where and how they agree to be touched. Consent may be withdrawn at any time, and must be extended anew for each play. Defensive players who stray outside consensual parameters are subject to immediate suspension, public shaming, and potential criminal charges.
Stadia must be safe spaces. League rules will mandate timeouts for counseling following fumbles or interceptions. Paid leave for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) will be provided after every tackle. Since jeering — and cheering — fans create hostile environments, there will be no fans at actual games. To maintain equality of self-esteem across the league, UAFL games will be unscored. All teams will make the playoffs, and every season will end — when the first snowflake falls — with a championship that all teams share.
That gets us back to the free market. With a UAFL operating in direct competition to the NFL, downtrodden pro-football players and enlightened fans righteously dismayed by America can demonstrate their progressivism without sacrificing the sport they love. The NFL, in turn, can play the game its America-loving, God-fearing, knuckle-dragging fans long to see.
It’s a win-win, can’t miss proposition. And rest assured, the federal government will guarantee that if you like your team you can keep your team. All that stands in the UAFL’s way now is the conundrum of one micro-aggression: how to play without balls.
Bruce Abramson is the President of Informationism, Inc., Vice President and Director of Policy at the Iron Dome Alliance, and a Senior Fellow at the London Center for Policy Research. Jeff Ballabon is CEO of B2 Strategic, Chairman of the Iron Dome Alliance, and a Senior Fellow at the American Conservative Union's Center for Statesmanship and Diplomacy. To read more of their reports — Click Here Now.
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