Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
|
The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien
Sarah Palin officially resigned over the weekend and during her speech she was heckled. Apparently, it was just someone in Russia yelling, “Keep it down over there.”
In her final speech as governor of Alaska, she compared herself to a grizzly bear. Her exact words were, “I have the public speaking ability of a grizzly bear.”
To ease tensions, President Obama has invited Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates and the police officer who arrested him to join him for a beer at the White House. And if that works out, Obama is going to have Ahmadinejad and Netanyahu over for Jager bombs.
President Obama is hosting a delegation of 150 Chinese officials in Washington. Among the questions the Chinese have for the U.S.: What’s your military policy? What’s your stance on global warming? And where’s our money?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things That Went Through Mark Buehrle's Mind During His Perfect Game
10. I did it! I did it! Oh, wait, it's only the fourth inning
9. If this doesn't get Kate Hudson to notice me, nothing will
8. Too bad I'm not on my own fantasy team
7. My brother-in-law bowled a perfect game
6. (Josh Field, Dewayne Wise) We're going to Disneyworld! (Mark Buehrle) And I'm running for governor of Alaska
5. Did I remember to TiVo "So You Think You Can Dance"?
4. I'm leaving after the 7th inning to beat the traffic
3. Should I shave my back?
2. Sunflower seed . . . lodged in my windpipe . . . get help!
1. Maybe I'll give up one hit so I don't have to appear on Letterman
Late Show with David Letterman
Sarah Palin is no longer governor of Alaska. It was a moving day for her — she went out onto her porch and waved goodbye to Russia.
People are wondering what she will do now. Well, she’s going back to her old job as perfume spritzer at Nordstrom.
Sarah said goodbye, but she’s going to return in the fall in the 10 o’clock slot.
People are criticizing President Obama for doing too much too soon. Which is the opposite of President Bush — too little too late.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The president of France fainted while jogging. He’s all right now, but for a couple of minutes he was so woozy he mistook his wife for his mistress.
Bugs Bunny is 69 years old today. He looks fantastic — he must be using that Botox.
I love Bugs Bunny. He’s always being hunted by that bald guy, whose hunting escapades always end in disaster. I think he’s Dick Cheney.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Rerun
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday, Sarah Palin gave her last speech before resigning as governor of Alaska. It was a fiery speech. She was mad. She blasted the media, Hollywood, two bears, and a moose.
The White House press secretary, Robert Gibbs, said that Twitter is now blocked on every White house computer. Gibbs refused to give a specific reason . . . OK, it’s Biden.
Beginning next month -American Airlines will charge $20 for passengers’ first checked bag and $30 for the second bag. I miss the old days, when they’d just lose your bags for free.
President Obama has invited Henry Louis Gates and the cop, Sergeant Crowley, to the White House for a beer. Obama is handling this situation like two of his bros got in a fight over a girl or something. They'll come over . . . one beer will lead to two . . . two will lead to nine . . . they'll start doing Jager shots out of Betsy Ross's thimble . . . they’ll make prank phone calls on the Red Phone. Someone will be like, “Let's TP the Capitol building” . . .
|
