Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
On Oprah, Elizabeth Edwards attacked her husband's mistress. Somehow, John Edwards convinced his wife that the mistress seduced him. Guys don't try this with your wife — John Edwards is a politician and a trial lawyer.
John Edwards says he and his wife are getting to a better place. Actually she's getting to a better place — he's getting into a smaller place: two bedrooms, furnished, nothing fancy.
During the Cinco de Mayo celebrations, President Obama honored the Mexican people by speaking Spanish, while Vice President Joe Biden honored the Mexican people by not speaking at all.
It seems President Obama was the first president to not have a prayer service for National Prayer Day. I understand that — between the Rev. Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Jeremiah Wright he hasn't had the best of luck with prayer services.
Late Show Top Ten
Things You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Mom (Presented By Dave’s Mom)
10. I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have a least favorite
9. I always had you pegged for prison
8. Why are you so mean to Regis?
7. Could you make my Mother’s Day gift out to “cash”?
6. I’m not angry at the way you turned out, I’m just disappointed
5. Get off my property or I’ll call the cops
4. You were so much cuter when we dressed you as a girl
3. I’m doing this Top Ten List for the paycheck
2. Don’t just marry the first girl you live with for 23 years
1. Why can’t you have a show at 10 o’clock?
Late Show with David Letterman
It's that time of year again — graduation. Remember, the Ivy League graduate of today is the Olive Garden waiter of tomorrow.
On this date in 2181 B.C., the chair was introduced. No, wait a minute — I'm sorry, that was Cher.
Sunday is Mother's Day. And Ruth and Bernie Madoff? Ruth Madoff will be celebrating with her kids, and Bernie will be busy with his new wife, Walt . . . and then he'll get shanked in the prison weight room.
Mother's Day always ends up the same way: Mom telling me all the things she could have done if I hadn't come along.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Michelle Obama was on "Sesame Street" this week. I wish I could be on "Sesame Street." But I'm not the first lady . . . yet.
She said she could see the effects of the economic downturn. It's true — Oscar the Grouch was selling his can for drugs.
For 50 bucks you can pluck Big Bird's butt.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
If you want to give your mom a great Mother's day gift, move out of the basement.
President Obama gave his wife, Michelle, a great gift — he gave her that pirate he captured.
The Octo-Mom's kids all chipped in and got her a tie.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Sunday is Mother's Day, or as the Octo-Mom calls it — Christmas.
The crown on the top of the Statue of Liberty will reopen on July 4 for the first time since 9/11. Visitors will now be able to touch Air Force One as it passes by.
Congratulations to Dolly Parton. She received an honorary degree from the University of Tennessee. It's a Ph.-Double-D.
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