The Best of Late Nite Jokes Edited by Newsmax.com

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Elizabeth Edwards was discussing her marriage on "Oprah." Earlier, John Edwards was discussing his marriage on "Cheaters."

John Edwards' mistress is tired of all the publicity and is demanding a paternity test. Well, good luck getting John Edwards to give up a strand of hair.

President Obama announced he wants to trim or eliminate 120 programs. The programs he wants to eliminate? Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly . . .

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says it's time to think about legalizing marijuana. People in California are split — half want it legalized, and the other half think it's already legal.

Late Show Top Ten

Lines Never Before Said in a ‘Star Trek’ Film Presented By Leonard Nimoy

10. Warp factor 8! Arby’s closes in 10 minutes
9. We’re entering a breach in the space-time continuum or a wormhole or some crazy crap like that
8. Set phasers to fabulous!
7. Welcome aboard the Starship Enterprise — today’s in-flight movie is “Big Momma’s House 2”
6. We’ve been hijacked by Somali pirates
5. Sir, I’m going to need Saturday off to attend my nephew’s bar mitzvah
4. My baby-daddy is a Vulcan — on the next “Maury”
3. The Enterprise just hit a goose — we’re gonna have to land in the Hudson
2. Live long, prosper, and keep on hangin’ and bangin’
1. I find your choice of hairpiece highly illogical

Late Show with David Letterman

Kiefer Sutherland went to a party, and there was some horseplay, and he head-butted somebody. You don't see much head-butting any more. The only place you see it regularly is on "The View."

The economy is improving. Here's a sign of that: Earlier today the Yankees sold three tickets.

General Motors has announced a $6 billion loss. After they get through bankruptcy, they hope to go back to making cars nobody wants.

A $6 billion loss. You know what that means — somebody's in line for a pretty big bonus.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's hot! Fires are raging in California. Miss California immediately put out a statement saying she's OK with flaming things as long as they don't get married.

Also in California, Manny Ramirez of the L.A. Dodgers tested positive for a steroid that's sometimes used as a sexual enhancer. Apparently Manny couldn't get to third base on his own.

A new show debuted earlier tonight. It's about fashion designers who compete. Sounds exactly like "Project Runway." I don't have a problem with similarities between two shows. Look at "The View" and "When Animals Attack."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Elizabeth Edwards, wife of presidential candidate John Edwards, was on Oprah. It was a really awkward interview. On the bright side, Oprah gave her a car.

The governor of Maine signed a bill legalizing same-sex marriages. You know what that means — gay lobsters.

Sunday is Mother's Day, and there's speculation that sales of flowers will be down. One enterprising delivery service is doing something about it: "Teleflora introduces the Imaginary Bouquet. Tell mom it's all you can afford."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It came out today that Paula Abdul only makes 5 percent of what Simon Cowell makes on "American Idol." To be fair, she's only awake 5 percent of the time.

Today, GM announced a loss of $6 billion. Or as GM calls it, "kickin' ass."

Saudi Arabia's first beauty pageant begins Saturday. Some Saudis like it, but most think the contestants reveal way too much eye.