Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Here is something frightening. Oil has now passed $120 a barrel. That’s a new high. You think the Mexicans were celebrating yesterday, you should have seen Saudi Arabians today.
President Bush held a Cinco de Mayo dinner celebration at the White House last night. He praised the people of Mexico who come here to do the jobs American’s don’t want. As opposed to the people of India who are doing the jobs Americans did want.
President Bush’s daughter Jenna is getting married this weekend. There will be 200 guests at the wedding. Which according to the latest polls, means that 140 people at the wedding disapprove of the job he’s doing.
The government started mailing out those rebate checks. You get $600 plus $300 for every child you have. Finally, some good news for those Texas polygamists!
Late Show with David Letterman
Beautiful day in New York City. Earlier today, Donald Trump was in such a great mood he released that thing on his head.
So nice Barbara Walters was seducing senators in the park.
In Indiana, Hillary Clinton is after the blue collar vote. Today she was seen drinking beer with construction workers and hooting at chicks.
They’re saying $10 gas by Labor Day. Hillary Clinton says she supports a summer gas tax holiday. I don’t know what that means exactly, but I will says I am in favor of any holiday that doesn’t involve relatives.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
The other day at a campaign stop in Indiana, Barack Obama lost a game of pick-up basketball to a 14-year-old. Meanwhile, across town, Hillary Clinton single-handedly defeated the entire women’s field hockey team.
Yesterday in North Carolina, former President Clinton gave a campaign speech for Hillary while standing on the back of a pick-up truck. And like all of the speeches Bill Clinton gives in the back of a pick-up truck it began, “You have beautiful eyes.”
President Bush celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House last night and said, “We consider ourselves fortunate that Mexico is a friend and a neighbor.” Then Bush said, “And by neighbor, I mean the kind who climbs over your fence and refuses to leave.”
A woman in New York City is angry because Lindsay Lohan left a party wearing the woman’s fur coat. When she heard where the fur coat came from, Lindsay said: “Thank God — I was worried I’d blacked out and killed a pimp.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
John McCain doing everything he can to get the votes. Yesterday, he started a Spanish Web site. He’s admitted he doesn’t understand any of it. Not the Spanish, the Web site.
There’s a new study out that breast-feeding can boost your IQ. I tried. It just made my nipples sore.
There’s sad news today: The founder of Baskin Robbins died. He will be buried in a large cup.
At his funeral there’ll be 31 different kinds of graves.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The primaries are over and we are projecting that Barack Obama is liked by more black people than Hillary Clinton.
Hillary lost North Carolina, which is huge. They’re saying that the only way for Barack to lose is if he married Bill Clinton.
Will she quit? Not a chance. She will stay in this race for as long as it takes to elect John McCain president.
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