Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama spoke to Mexican President Calderon about the swine flu. Afterward he said people of America and Mexico have reached common ground . . . I believe it's called Los Angeles.
Mexico filed a complaint with China when China seized 70 Mexican citizens and quarantined them. Mexico said it was shocked. Of course the U.S. said, "Seventy!? That's more than we seized all year."
According to The New York Times, swine flu can be transmitted on money. You know what that means . . . we're all safe. No one's got any.
That was part of Bernie Madoff's defense: "I was trying to take away all the money!"
Late Show with David Letterman
The CDC has announced that the swine flu has been downgraded to mild. But since today is Cinco de Mayo, it will be spicy.
Barack Obama says he's going to crack down on wealthy people who hide their money in offshore accounts. Ruth Madoff had better pay attention.
It's nice that we have normal people in the White house. Remember that Dick Cheney? It turns out he had an underground dungeon.
They're really digging deep for stuff on Obama. He gave a speech and accidently referred to Cinco de Cuatro . . . the 4th of May instead of the 5th. He apologized saying he only knows about 15 words in Spanish. Big deal. George Bush only knew about 15 words in English.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's Cinco de Mayo. If you don't speak Spanish, Cinco de Mayo is Spanish for "the mayonnaise is in the sink."
The president may have a nominee for the Supreme Court by the end of the week. Does it bother anybody that he took him 10 times longer to pick a dog?
Guys with blogs say that the replacement for Justice Souter will be a woman. I thought it might be Hillary Clinton but she's ruled out.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Happy Cinco de Mayo. Today's the day we celebrate Mexico's victory over the No. 5 many years ago.
It's actually a bigger holiday here than in Mexico because we have more Mexicans here.
President Obama had a date with his wife last night. There were pictures of them leaving, pictures of them going to the restaurant, and a picture of a jealous Oprah standing outside the White House with a large knife.
Hell hath no fury like an Oprah scorned.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Michelle Obama is visiting New York City for the first time. When A-Rod saw her he asked, "What are you putting in those biceps?"
Here's good news: For the first time in 30 years, American children have improved their reading scores. Now they can read English almost as well as Chinese children.
Happy birthday to Brain Williams. You can tell he had a wild party — one of his hairs was facing the wrong direction.
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