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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Happy Cinco de Mayo. People love Cinco de Mayo. I saw this one woman throwing back shots of tequila one after the other. Then I realized it was Hillary Clinton working the Latino vote.
Actually, Cinco de Mayo is a regional holiday celebrated only in some parts of Mexico. Like Los Angeles and San Diego.
Microsoft has offered to buy Yahoo! for $46 billion. I don’t think President Bush understands how these Internet companies work. Like today he said, “Why would Microsoft be interested in a watery chocolate drink?”
Roger Clemens continues to deny he has ever used steroids or human growth hormone. But this weekend he placed third in the Kentucky Derby.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Hillary Clinton Loves America
10. We have more Dakotas than every other country combined
9. Canadian Bacon: soggy and chewy; American Bacon: crisp and delicious!
8. Thanks to the Internet, I can order new pantsuits 24/7 — there's your pantsuit joke, Dave. Are you happy?
7. 232 years and not one cookie shortage
6. TiVO
5. Did I mention the soup? Mmmm, soup
5. Did I mention the soup? Mmmm
4. Did you know former President Teddy Roosevelt was an American?
3. Where else can you get a car painted for $29.95?
2. Is this the part where I say, "Live from New York it's Saturday Night Live!"?
1. We've got Regis
Late Show with David Letterman
Today is Cinco de Mayo. Earlier today, Roger Clemens tested positive for salsa.
Everyone in New York is getting into the spirit. Today, the Statue of Liberty was holding a Corona.
Tom Cruise was on Oprah Winfrey. In honor of Tom Cruise, Oprah gave away Mini Coopers.
Tom, last time, was jumping up and down on her couch. He was excited about being in love. This time he wasn’t jumping up and down. He has been married a couple of years.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Earlier today, President Bush said that Cinco de Mayo is an opportunity to recognize the strong ties of family, economy, and culture that bind the United States and Mexico. Then the president said, “Now let’s get back to building that fence.”
In Los Angeles they celebrated by having a parade through the city. In Mexico they celebrated Cinco de Mayo by having a parade to Los Angeles.
Yesterday, the entire “Meet the Press” was devoted to Barack Obama while the entire “This Week with George Stephanopoulos” was devoted to Hillary Clinton. Meanwhile, John McCain spent the day watching a “Golden Girls” marathon.
On Long Island, a Dunkin' Donuts employee has been arrested because he placed a hidden camera in a Dunkin Donuts bathroom. As punishment, he’s been sentenced to five years in a Taco Bell bathroom.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
John McCain admitted today that he didn’t vote for George Bush. He did vote for George Washington, however.
Tom Cruise was on Oprah and he was very calm. No couch jumping, no getting down on his knees. Which can mean only one thing: Somebody’s back on his medication!
Cinco de Mayo is a big holiday in America, but not such a big deal down in Mexico. I think it is a big holiday up here because more Mexicans live here.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Rerun
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