Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
According to a new poll, President Bush’s disapproval rating is 71 percent. Seventy one percent. That’s amazing . . . 29 percent still approve?
That makes him the most unpopular president in history . . . and math and science too.
A federal study released today shows that the president’s $1 billion-a-year Reading First program has done nothing to increase the reading skills of youngsters. However, his Oil Company First program? It’s going like gangbusters.
Hillary Clinton told People magazine that she has never had cosmetic surgery. It is not for her. You know how politicians hate anything that’s fake.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Surprising Facts About Barack Obama
10. My first act as president will be to stop the fighting between Lauren and Heidi on "The Hills"
9. In the Illinois primary, I accidentally voted for Kucinich
8. When I tell my kids to clean their room, I finish with, "I'm Barack Obama and I approved this message"
7. Throughout high school, I was consistently voted "Barackiest"
6. Earlier today I bowled a 39
5. I have canceled all my appearances the day the "Sex and The City" movie opens
4. It's the birth place of Fred Astaire (Sorry, that's a surprising fun fact about Omaha)
3. We are tirelessly working to get the endorsement of Kentucky Derby favorite Colonel John
2. This has nothing to do with the Top Ten, but what the heck is up with Paula Abdul?
1. I have not slept since October
Late Show with David Letterman
Amy Winehouse was arrested for assaulting a guy in a bar. In all fairness, she didn’t do anything. The guy was sucker punched by her hair.
They took her to jail and she tried to escape by combing her hair into the shape of a gun.
Tom Cruise was on "Oprah." She said he could come back after he had her couch fixed.
They did one of those segments where Oprah goes to Tom’s home. Talk about awkward moments. When Tom answered the door, Oprah said, “Is your daddy home?”
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Yesterday was the five-year anniversary of President Bush’s speech in front of the “Mission Accomplished” banner. To celebrate, President Bush gave a speech in front of a banner that said, “Economic Recession Over.”
In Zimbabwe, President Robert Mugabe has lost the election, but he refuses to step down, saying he still has a chance to win. Mugabe says he got this idea from Hillary Clinton.
There’s some footage on YouTube of Hillary Clinton trying to make a cup of coffee. She couldn’t get the machine to work. When he saw the video, Bill Clinton said, “Yeah, she’s not very good at turning things on.”
On “American Idol” a woman called in to the show and said she was Simon Cowell’s first kiss when they were both 9 years old. She said he hasn’t changed a bit since he was 9 — he stills wears the same size T-shirt.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Iron Man opened this weekend, starring Robert Downey Jr. I like Robert Downey Jr. He’s not prissy like Brad Pitt, and he’s not rugged like Hillary Swank.
He’s been through a lot. He’s proved that 28 days in rehab is not enough to get you sober.
Gyweneth Paltrow is also in Iron Man. She plays Iron Man’s sidekick: Anemic Girl.
I don’t know who Iron Man fights . . . .wrinkled linen I suppose.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Tom Cruise was back on "Oprah Winfrey" today for the first time since he sexually assaulted her couch.
Oprah was analyzing whether he is crazy or not. This is a woman who flies her schnauzer out in a private jet whenever her feet get cold.
Tom's not crazy, just very, very rich; and sometimes being very, very rich makes you jump on things.
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