Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton is talking tough. She said if Iran ever attacked Israel, she would obliterate Iran. Though she said she doesn’t mind Iran stoning adulterers. She agrees with them on that.
She says she’s a stronger candidate than Barack Obama. To prove it, she counts the votes she got in Michigan, even though his name wasn’t even on the ballot. It’s a pretty strong argument — whenever Barack Obama’s name isn’t on the ballot, she beats him.
The Rev. Wright, Obama’s former pastor, was interviewed by Bill Moyer. He said he’s gotten over a million e-mails and phone calls telling him to keep on speaking out . . . every one of them came from Hillary Clinton.
Experts say the big test for Barack Obama will be surviving the negative attacks; the big test for Hillary Clinton will be surviving North Carolina; the big test for John McCain will be just surviving until November.
Late Show with David Letterman
Today is Arbor Day. Are you like me? Do you hate the Arbor Day weight gain?
Everyone's observing Arbor Day. Earlier today, Eliot Spitzer was dating a girl named Willow.
Here’s big news: Barack Obama has been endorsed by Bruce Springsteen. Earlier today, John McCain was endorsed by Yanni.
I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who forgets to roll up his window at the car wash.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Today at the White House, President Bush signed a proclamation declaring this Malaria Awareness Week. There was an awkward moment during the ceremony when Bush said, “This is a great day for all Malarians.”
Political experts are now saying that one reason Hillary Clinton defeated Barack Obama in Pennsylvania is because senior citizens prefer her. Senior citizens say they like Hillary because if you squint . . . she kind of looks like Blanche from “The Golden Girls.”
A new study has found that young voters overwhelmingly prefer Barack Obama to Hillary Clinton. The same study found that Bill Clinton overwhelmingly prefers young voters to Hillary Clinton.
President Bush says that the $300 rebate checks from the government will finally be mailed out on Monday. Then, Americans can decide whether to save the $300 or use it to buy half a tank of gas.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today is Al Pacino’s birthday — 68 years old. “Say hello to my little friend: Gold Bond medicated powder.”
It’s also Renee Zellweger’s birthday. They’re both very different people of course . . . one is a wizened old tough guy whose performances are over the top . . . and the other one is Al Pacino.
Tomorrow I go to Washington D.C. to perform at the White House Correspondents Dinner. It’s thrown by the press corps for the president and his staff. Everyone who works for the president will be there. Dick Cheney will be there; Condoleezza Rice will be there; Fox News will be there.
I don’t want to sit next to John McCain. I don’t want to be the one who has to cut his meat into little pieces.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Bush has announced rebate checks for at least $600. If you have a bunch of kids it could go up to like hundreds of thousands of dollars.
I’m going to use my check to buy enough gas to go to the bank and cash it.
The president put through the rebate checks to get the economy going. It’s kind of like the mom of the kid nobody likes baking cupcakes for everyone.
Then everyone pretends to like the kid until the cupcakes are gone. Then they go back to giving him a wedgie.
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