Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Exxon has earned the top spot in the new 2009 Fortune 500 list. Last year, Exxon took in almost $443 billion in revenue and made a profit of $45 billion. Here’s my question: Why not have Exxon bailout the car companies? I mean, one can’t live without the other, right?
Many newspapers across the country are going out of business. It’s pretty scary. So congratulations to The New York Times this week for winning five Pulitzer Prizes. They won five Pulitzer Prizes. I read about it online on Google News.
As the economy lags, the Army is getting more and more selective. They announced this week they will no longer accept drug addicts and felons. So if you're drug addict or a felon, you’re not welcomed in the United States Army. The good news: There's always Congress, the NFL, and show business.
President Barack Obama held his first full Cabinet meeting yesterday. He told his Cabinet to ensure that “every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely.” There was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Thoughts Going Through The Somali Pirate's Mind While In New York City
10. This city is more dangerous than downtown Mogadishu
9. It's like my own episode of "Gossip Girl"
8. Maybe Madonna will adopt me
7. If I don't get a corned beef on rye soon, I'm gonna plotz!
6. How can I meet Zac Efron?
5. Go Niners!
4. Any chance of getting "Jersey Boys" tickets?
3. This would be a pretty sweet trip if it weren't for the handcuffs and jail
2. Why the hell are these people lining up to see Letterman?
1. You charge $40 for parking, and I'm the pirate?
Late Show with David Letterman
Hot day in New York . . . 62 and foggy. No wait — that’s me.
It was so rainy today, North Korea was testing a long-range umbrella.
They’re holding that Somali pirate here in New York. He got to meet one of his idols — Bernie Madoff.
Bernie’s wife, Ruth, says she has $62 million that’s not part of the money Bernie swindled. She says it’s money she saved by shopping at Costco.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Scientists have discovered a new planet that they say humans could inhabit. They say that it could be done with just 1,000 humans . . . or one Octo-Mom.
Scientists are now blaming global warming on fat people. That’s quite an “inconvenient truth” for Al Gore.
Barack Obama will appear shirtless in a magazine this month. I think many Americans will identify with him — most have lost their shirts.
I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Thank God Hillary didn’t win.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It’s been unseasonably hot. It almost got up to 100 degrees today. Our prisoners were waterboarding themselves just to stay cool.
It’s Earth Day. The day we celebrate when the Earth was born.
This year I got the Earth Day massage certificate.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
It’s “Green Is Universal” week. Everyone’s getting into it. Earlier today, Donald Trump announced that he’s going to release his hair back into the wild.
Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together in Toronto for a two-hour friendly debate. Each side gets to pick a topic. The first hour will be on the international banking crisis; the second hour will be dedicated to NASCAR trivia. I’m not saying who picked what . . .
There’s a new iPhone app called MyNetDiary. It helps you lose weight. Here’s how it works: You press Google Earth, and if you can spot yourself, you’ve eaten too much.
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