The Best of Late Nite Jokes Edited by Newsmax.com

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

President Obama has been reaching out to Iran, Cuba, Latin America . . . the only place he doesn’t seem able to reach out to is Texas.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry is saying that Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to. But 75 percent of the people who live there say they want to stay part of the United States. Of course they do. After spending all that time sneaking across the border to get here, why would they leave?

Amid much criticism, Obama has released top secret terror memos from the Bush administration. According to the memos, various forms of torture were used including waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and of course, the fourth hour of the “Today” show.

Inflatable fitness balls are being recalled because they might burst. How fat are we getting in this country when we are crushing exercise equipment!?

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard In The Meeting Between Barack Obama and Hugo Chavez

10. "Donde esta 'el Presidente Dumb-Ass'?"
9. "Sorry, Mr. President, they don't sell Marlboros here"
8. "Let's get a picture of you shaking hands with Hugo Chavez to really piss off Rush Limbaugh"
7. "Mr. Chavez, I have a book for you, too — Artie Lange's 'Too Fat To Fish'"
6. "Does this breakup mean Lindsay Lohan is back to dating guys?"
5. "Remember, you can't spell Hugo without 'hug'"
4. "I can't believe they killed Edie on 'Desperate Housewives'"
3. "Does Biden really think he's fooling anybody with those plugs?"
2. "I think there's one thing we can both agree on — there's a new star in the Hollywood galaxy by the name of Zac Efron"
1. "Is it too late for me to buy your Senate seat?"

Late Show with David Letterman

Last night was the Miss USA Pageant. In the talent competition, Miss New York showed how to lure gullible investors into a Ponzi scheme.

Miss New Jersey’s talent was showing how to make another contestant’s death look accidental.

Miss California’s talent was giving birth to octuplets.

There’s a summit going on in Trinidad, with that evil Hugo Chavez. The idea is to open lines of communication. That sneaky Chavez gave President Obama a book — in Spanish. Obama doesn’t read Spanish. It would be like handing George W. Bush . . . any book.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s hot in L.A. today. Everyone’s plastic surgery is going to droop.

It’s so hot, I called up the CIA and begged to be waterboarded.

It was so hot, the Octo-Mom went on Dr. Phil just for the air conditioning.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Barack Obama is in the news: During the Summit of the Americas, he shook hands with Hugo Chavez. People are pretty upset about it. He’s a dictator; you don’t shake his hand. You extend your hand and say, “Psyche!”

North Carolina’s Kristen Dalton won the Miss USA Pageant. I guess Republicans now have a VP candidate for 2012.

A new study shows Austin, Texas is the best city to find employment. The worst city to find employment? Circuit City.