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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The other night I watched "Big Brother" and "Criminal Minds." Not the TV shows, the debate between Barack and Hillary.
With oil prices hitting an all time high, Barack Obama today promised that if he’s elected, he’ll fund research into a car that runs on the bitterness of economically strapped Pennsylvania voters.
A new ABC poll says that 58 percent of Americans don’t think Hillary Clinton is honest or trustworthy — 58 percent! Do you know what you call a politician with those kinds of numbers? President Bush.
Scientists believe that radiation from cell phones throws off bees’ navigation system. You know, just like it does to drivers on the highway.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard During The Pope's Visit To New York City
10. "Sir, when did you realize your Popemobile was missing?"
9. "Hey, pal, take off the hat"
9. "Hey
8. "He looks a lot Popier in person"
7. "Tell you what, since you're the Pope, you can have the Rolex for $20"
6. "Thank you, Heavenly Father, for letting me survive that cab ride"
5. "He wants a tour of all the places they whacked guys on 'The Sopranos'"
4. "Relax, the Virgin Megastore isn't what it sounds like"
3. "I don't care who he is — he can wait in line for his vanilla latte like the rest of us"
2. "No joke — I just saw the Pope and two rabbis walk into a bar"
1. "Wanna perform a miracle? Help the Knicks win a game"
Late Show with David Letterman
The Pope’s going to be at Yankee Stadium. He’s going to let Billy Crystal be a bishop for a day.
Hillary Clinton says she’s pro-guns. She likes to hunt ducks. Vice President Dick Cheney said, “Oh stop . . . you’re making me hot.”
Hillary likes to squat in a duck blind wearing a camouflage pantsuit.
Hillary says she actually shot a duck. She was mad at the duck because it had an affair with a chubby intern.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Rerun
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Scientists have found the world's oldest tree. [Picture of a tree with the words John McCain loves Cindy scrawled on it.]
“Forbidden Kingdom” opens today. Jet Li and Jackie Chan star. Now that’s a movie. It’s about fighting and time travel. I did a lot of my own fighting. Punching and kicking . . . then I’d go to school.
I also did my share of time travel. I had a device that sent me hurdling through time. It’s called tequila.
I would drink this potion and wake up three days into the future.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Huge earthquake in the Midwest. A 5.2. A 5.2 in L.A. is like when Nicole Richie’s stomach growls.
The Pope was in New York. As a native New Yorker, I just want to say to whoever mugged him . . . Not cool guys, not cool.
He made a speech at the United Nations, then he spent the afternoon kicking subway rats or something.
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