Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama is in Mexico. While there, he met with the FWEA — the Future Walmart Employees of America.
He is trying to appeal to the Mexican people. He even changed his slogan to “Yes, we Mexi-can.”
Newsweek reports that the reason there are so many of these pirate hijackings is that the shipping companies have decided it is cheaper to pay a ransom than change their shipping routes to sail out of the pirates way. So even though they are evil crooks, we give them the money anyway — it’s the same way the bank bailout works.
In Philadelphia, a government program offering a $10,000 tax credit to any business hiring an ex-con has had no takers. Not one business wanted the $10,000 tax break to hire an ex-con. In fact, do you know the way most ex-cons actually get jobs? They get re-elected.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs The Government Is Spying On You
10. Your kitty has a satellite dish on his head
9. At restaurant waiter urges, "Speak directly into the dinner rolls"
8. Your car's GPS unit has an awful lot of questions
7. "Girl Scout" delivering your thin mints is 6'4", 270 pounds
6. Keep finding underpants labeled "Agent Morales"
5. Mailman warns you, "This conversation may be recorded for quality control purposes"
4. NSA sends over sexy lingerie they'd like your wife to wear
3. You sing in the shower, a mysterious voice responds, "A little pitchy"
2. There's a Navy Seal hiding in your fish tank
1. Several times a week, you get chloroformed, stuffed in a trunk and dumped in Mexico
Late Show with David Letterman
Nadya Suleman has copyrighted the name “Octo-Mom.” And I’m thinking, “Hey Nadya —what about ‘Breeder’s Cup’?"
Not everything is going her way, though. Octo-Mom condoms? Not selling.
It’s splitsville for Mel Gibson and his wife. She wants a half a billion dollars. There’s no prenup. Mel, if you had a Jewish lawyer, you’d have a prenup.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Scientists have discovered a species of ants that’s only female. They think it’s the first species that’s able to spontaneously reproduce since the Oct-Mom.
The new Yankee Stadium opens today. It’s got luxury suites, gourmet restaurants, VIP steroid lounge . . .
It National Librarian Day. So everybody shhhhhhhhh.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Obama is in Mexico right now . . . so if you want to break any laws, now’s the time to do it.
He’s going to discuss border security, drug-related violence, and he’s going to officiate a wet-T-shirt contest. It’s spring break for him too.
Part of the reason he’s there is to stop the massive flow of drugs into the country. His message is, “Stop selling us this stuff, no matter how much money we pay you.”
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Did you hear what Nicolas Sarkozy, the French president, said about Obama yesterday? He called his new policies “unsubstantial and overrated.” Then Hillary Clinton said: “That’s exactly what I’ve been saying.”
Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the co-host of “The View,” was in an accident. She got hit by a bicycle yesterday, but she’s OK. She's just thankful that Barbara Walters wasn't driving a car.
Scientists in Iran have successfully cloned a goat. Great job scientists. By the way, AIDS still exists.
To pay off her campaign debt, Hillary Clinton is auctioning off a day with Bill Clinton. Bill said he’s thrilled to do it, as long as Hillary isn’t allowed to enter the auction.
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