Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Today is Wednesday, April 15 . . . or as the IRS calls it, “hump day.”
President Obama should get a big refund this year. He has a lot of dependants. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley . . .
President Obama has lifted the travel ban to Cuba. I want to remind people that if they do travel to Cuba, don’t forget to set your watch back 50 years.
According to the U.S. Labor Department, because of the recession, the number of unemployed lawyers in this county has hit a 10-year high. So see? There is a silver lining.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things I've Learned From Being An Accountant (Various Accountants)
10. When you know the right people at the post office, it can be April 15 whenever you want (Phil DeFalco)
9. Wite-Out and 7-Up — surprisingly refreshing (Andrew Ross)
8. If you're confused by something on the tax form, just write "Huh?" (John Fodera)
7. You do the taxes; don't let the taxes do you (Richard Koenigsberg)
6. People will pay you a lot of money if you pretend to know how the tax code works
(Adele Valenzuela)
5. The only thing more satisfying than getting a client a sizeable refund is the garlic shrimp scampi at Red Lobster (Doug Cohen)
4. Numbers is hard (Andrew Rubin)
3. After completing tax returns for 12 straight hours, your calculator starts talking to you (Sandra Bissell)
2. Always put your clients first... unless you get an offer to go on Letterman (Roger Levenson)
1. Women want me. Men want to be me.
(Richard Cohen)
Late Show with David Letterman
NBC wants to make a reality show starring Rod Blagojevich. This is the same network that didn’t want me.
Mayor Bloomberg says he’s going to crack down on cab drivers in New York who text while driving. I hate it when I’m in a cab and the driver is Twittering with the Taliban.
This is coming out today: Rush Limbaugh’s dog says he hopes Obama’s dog fails.
Obama’s new dog is named Bo. He’s been very busy — today he hosted a lunch for former White House dogs.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
In Hong Kong, a group of billionaires have built a life-size replica of Noah’s ark. It is big enough to hold 150 animals or almost all of the Octo-Mom’s kids.
Today is tax day. President Obama said he wants to simplify the tax code. He said he wants to make it so simple, Joe Biden could understand it.
I lied on my tax return this year. I listed my occupation as “entertainer.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It’s tax day. The only adults who don’t have to file tax returns are those who are single, and earn less than $8,950. In other words, Lindsay Lohan.
There were tea party protests today. People have been mailing tea bags to members of Congress to, I guess, express their dissatisfaction with taxes and government spending. Nothing shakes a politician up like a complimentary bag of tea.
Next year will be crumpets, buddy.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
It’s tax day today. Wednesday April 15. But if you didn’t get yours done in time, don’t worry about it. The good news is you may be on your way to an Obama Cabinet position.
This whole pirate situation is getting out of control . . . two more attacks yesterday. Apparently, what they do is pull up to a ship, fire some shots to scare everyone off, then climb up the side, and then I guess they copy and distribute DVDs.
It's baseball season! It’s so exciting. Tomorrow is opening day at the new Yankee Stadium. Baseball brings back so many great memories. I love it — the smell of the grass, the crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd — I can still remember when my dad got me my first syringe.
Due to the struggling economy people are now drinking fewer bottles of wine. Fewer bottles because they’re too busy drinking wine out of boxes.
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