Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
All three presidential candidates, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and John McCain, appeared on a special “American Idol.” Not to be outdone, Ralph Nader made a special surprise appearance on “The Biggest Loser.”
John McCain does not use Secret Service protection. He hasn’t been using it. He has his own people. In fact, do you know what you call those six guys that surround John McCain all the time? Pallbearers.
Hillary Clinton is now running ads in Pennsylvania that say she was “raised on pinochle and the American Dream.” Well that will help with the young voters. What kids aren’t playing pinochle now?
In Washington this week, the presidential candidates grilled top commander in Iraq Gen. David Petraeus. Hillary demanded an orderly troop withdrawal. Believe me, if there is anyone that knows when it’s time to get out, it’s Hillary.
Late Show with David Letterman
Rerun
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Last night in New York, Elton John held a fundraiser for Sen. Hillary Clinton. Things got off to an awkward start when Hillary and Elton showed up wearing the same pantsuit.
The Elton John benefit concert was a huge success raising $2.5 Million for Hillary’s campaign. Elton sang all of his biggest hits for Hillary — except for “The Bitch is Back.”
During a speech President Bush urged Chinese leaders to talk to the Dalai Lama and called him “a really fine man.” Bush said, “I used to be reluctant to meet with him — then I found out he’s not a real llama.”
This week in San Diego, a group of openly gay republicans are holding their national convention. The gay convention is just like the regular convention, except instead of superdelegates, they have super-fabulous-delegates.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
John McCain was on “The View.” He got along well with Barbara Walters. They were reminiscing about the Civil War.
The Golf Masters is on CBS. If Fox had the Golf Masters, they’d extreme it up. You’d have to play an actual Tiger instead of Tiger Woods.
Golf is a national pastime in Scotland. It’s the same as baseball here. Except the balls are dimpled. Well, they’re dimpled in baseball too . . . but I think it’s the steroids.
Golf is a big drinking game in Scotland . . . but so is chess.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
John McCain has said that if he were president, he would boycott the Olympic ceremonies this summer in China, not because of China’s human rights record, but because the ceremonies start at 8 o’clock and he goes to bed at 6:45.
Barack Obama was on “The View” a couple of weeks ago, and they couldn’t stop talking about how sexy they found him. Apparently he’s not the only candidate they’ve got the hots for. John McCain made an appearance. Barbara goes nuts when she gets a whiff of Aqua Velva.
In England now, you can buy a $100 cup of coffee — or as Starbucks calls it, half off.
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