Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The ambassador to Iraq says that there has been an economic revival in Iraq. It’s good to see the economic plan is working out somewhere.
John McCain says he has a list of about 20 names for potential vice presidential candidates. I’m not saying McCain is old, but the list begins with “Hear ye, hear ye.”
John McCain has not been using Secret Service protection. You see, he has Life Alert.
John Corzine, governor of New Jersey and Clinton superdelegate, says he might switch his allegiance to Barack Obama. But this is not unprecedented. He would not be the first governor of New Jersey to switch from a woman to a guy.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs New Yorkers Are Getting Too Fat
10. Elevators have a maximum occupancy of one
9. The Statue of Liberty is now holding a cupcake
8. Driver's license photos larger to include all chins
7. Broadway's Shubert Alley renamed Kirstie Alley
6. Robotic voice in the subway says, "Stand clear of the closing doors, lardass"
5. Thousands of "potholes" are actually footprints in the pavement
4. 97% of ATM passwords are either "fudge" or "bacon"
3. People becoming Yankees fans just for the slimming pinstripes
2. Most popular store: Gap For Tubby Dudes
1. New Yorkers are winded after giving the finger
Late Show with David Letterman
Here’s a sure sign it’s spring in New York City: Earlier today, construction workers were giving the Statue of Liberty a bikini wax.
Just a few days away from tax time. The governor and Mrs. McGreevey had a four way with H&R Block.
Today is the 78th birthday of the Twinkie. It says right on its rapper: “Best by 2012.”
A 78-year-old Twinkie . . . I’m sorry, I’m thinking of Katie Couric.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
The Clintons just released their tax returns. Over the past eight years, they’ve donated over $10 million to charity. When they asked Bill Clinton why he gave so much money to charity, he said, “She’s a really good dancer.”
Barack Obama is narrowing the gap in Pennsylvania. His campaign is pulling out all the stops. His campaign office is giving away tickets to Dave Matthews concerts. Apparently, this is Barack Obama’s attempt to win over really white voters.
President Bush is in Europe right now. Today he is meeting with Romanian Prime Minister Popescu Tariceanu. Or, as Bush calls him, Pop Tart.
John McCain says he has 20 names on a list of possible vice president candidates. Unfortunately, most of the names on the list are characters on “Matlock.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
There was a letter found written by Abraham Lincoln. It’s dated 1864. Very beautifully written. It starts out, “Dear John McCain . . .”
Barack Obama has announced that his campaign raised $40 million in March. Also this week he got the endorsement of Jane Fonda. You win some, you lose some.
The Rolling Stones have a new movie out. It’s at some IMAX theatres. Keith Richards runs that band. He says that’s all he ever wanted to do: play guitar. He has music in his blood . . . along with a bunch of other things.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Final Four starts tomorrow, then the championship game on Monday night. Here are my predictions: 86, 71; 58, 53. I’m not good at picking the teams, but I’m excellent at the scores.
Naomi Campbell is in trouble again. She was arrested at Heathrow Airport for spitting at a police officer. I guess that two-day anger management course she took last year really paid off.
Bobby Brown is writing an autobiography in which he says he never used cocaine before he met Whitney, which is weird because the title of the book is “I Used Cocaine Before I Met Whitney.”
The head of the Secret Service has revealed that John McCain does not receive protection from them because his campaign hasn’t requested any. He does have several vultures that follow him around, however.
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