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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
It looks like Barack Obama has taken a 10-point lead over Hillary Clinton. You know they say that behind every successful man there is a woman; unfortunately for Hillary, it’s her.
A huge mess in New Jersey after truckers protested the high cost of diesel fuel. They shut down the turnpike on purpose. To give you an idea of how bad it was, it took former Gov. Jim McGreevey three hours to get to a rest stop to have anonymous sex.
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke warned Congress we may be headed for a recession. Whoa! Thank you, Captain Obvious!
Bush’s secretary of housing is stepping down. Well, sure! No one’s got a house anymore . . . he’s got nothing to do!
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions On The Job Application For New York Knicks President
10. Are you deeply committed to sucking?
9. Any suggestions for new ways to rip-off fans and overpay players?
8. Can you promise to deliver New York a winning team within 25 years?
7. Are you a cop?
6. Are you cool with Isiah Thomas calling you "Bitch"?
5. Can you transform this team from laughing stock to lovable losers?
4. Can you transform this team from laughing stock to lovable losers?
3. Do you mind the circus making the arena smell "Elephanty"?
2. Do you have any friends who can play center, power forward, point guard or shooting guard?
1. Are you insane?
Late Show with David Letterman
Beautiful spring day here in New York City. Such a beautiful day, Eliot Spitzer spent the day with a girl named Sunny.
It's tax season. You always gotta be careful. In fact, I always ask my date for a receipt.
The circus is in town. Earlier today, Hillary Clinton claimed she was once shot out of a cannon.
John McCain is looking for a vice presidential running mate. He needs a guy who is conservative, who understands the economy, and who knows how to operate a defibrillator.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Hillary Clinton has come up with another ad where she answers the phone at 3 a.m. After she handles the crisis, she asks, “By the way, have you seen my husband?”
Yesterday, John McCain gave a speech in the high school he attended in Virginia. McCain told the class, “What a coincidence — you graduated in ’08 and I graduated in ’08.”
Donald Trump announced that he would like to hire Ashley Dupre, the prostitute in the Eliot Spitzer scandal, to appear on his new reality show. Apparently his new show is called “Donald Trump Hires a Hooker.”
In Germany, a woman went to a plastic surgeon to have her wrinkles removed. When she woke up, the doctor had given her breast implants. Afterwards, the doctor said, “Hey — no one’s looking at her wrinkles anymore.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Not such a great day at CBS. They’re laying off a bunch of news guys. Apparently they have to make room for Andy Rooney’s eyebrows.
It’s a great day for Mariah Carey. She broke Elvis’ record for the most No. 1 hits. Her publicist said she’s bigger than Elvis. They might want to rephrase that . . .
Barack Obama said today that he would consider Al Gore to be in his Cabinet. Al Gore said he would do it as long as it was full of Twinkies.
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