Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
|
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton was in Philadelphia today and told the crowd that she’s like the movie character “Rocky” . . . now if I remember the movie correctly doesn’t Rocky get the crap beat out him and then loses to the black guy? Isn’t that what happened?
That’s what she said; she’s just like “Rocky.” Except when she is in Bosnia, then she’s like “Rambo.”
On a lighter note, Hillary Clinton announced that her favorite music group is the Rolling Stones. She said they were the first concert she ever went to. John McCain said the first concert he ever attended was two guys pounding on a log with sticks to celebrate successful wooly mammoth hunt.
Happy birthday to Al Gore. God bless him. He’s 60 years old. He just couldn’t enjoy his party, though. He was so obsessed with how quickly the ice cream was melting.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Messages Left On The Pregnant Man's Answering Machine
10. "I thought you said you were using protection"
9. "It's Angelina Jolie. I'd like to adopt the baby"
8. "This is your wife — can I borrow your Gillette Mach 3 razor?"
7. "It's Maury. I'd love to test to see if you're the mother and/or the father"
6. "Ralph Nader here. I've had sex with myself for years and never got pregnant"
5. "It's Maury. Again, seriously, how fast can you get here?"
4. No number 4 — writer still stuck on JetBlue flight — what's it been, like a year?
3. "Michael Moore here. People ask me if I'm pregnant too"
2. "This is Dr. Phil. We should talk"
1. "Michael Jackson here — just wanted to reach out to another androgynous freak show
Late Show with David Letterman
Kathy Lee Gifford is returning to television. She will be hosting the Today Show. Here’s the scary thing: President Bush knew but failed to act.
What a battle the Democrats are having. It’s costly, and they say Hillary Clinton's campaign is out of money. It may be true: Earlier today she was shopping at Pantsuits for Less.
I like John McCain. He looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys.
He looks like the guy who always has wiry hair that grows out of unusual places.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Barack Obama went bowling and he scored an incredibly low 37. So today, Hillary Clinton challenged him to a bowl off. I’ve never seen Hillary bowl, but based on her haircut, I’m betting she’s really good.
John McCain is having trouble raising money for his campaign. Whenever he does raise money, he puts it in a card and sends it to his grandchildren.
Raul Castro says he wants to modernize transportation in Cuba. He said, “For instance, we just made a raft with cup holders.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
News from the Pentagon: Soldiers can now live together if the're married. I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Can you imagine being under constant attack from a hostile enemy then having to go out and fight the terrorists?
It’s April Fools’ Day. You know who likes April Fools’ Day? TV anchors, or wankers in the old country.
They like April Fools’ Day because they get to do fake news stories. Except at Fox. Every day is April Fools’ Day at Fox.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Rerun
|
