Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
In a stunning announcement, Pennsylvania Sen. Bob Casey Jr., who had said he would remain neutral, has endorsed Barack Obama. He said he did it because his four young daughters told him they wanted Obama for president. Which also explains his choice for vice president: Hannah Montana.
John McCain is having trouble raising money, but a lot of people think that’s because he's doing it the old-guy way. You know — the metal-detector at the beach.
New York Gov. David Paterson, who in the first two weeks in office has admitted to having a number of extramarital affairs and doing drugs, now says that he will no longer talk about his personal life. Well thank God he made the decision before he said anything embarrassing.
Happy birthday to Al Gore. Al Gore is 60 years old today. A lot of mixed feelings for Al on this milestone. On one hand he loves cake, but those 60 candles do contribute to global warming.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much NCAA Basketball
10. At dinner party, you make guests tip off for every pork chop
9. You got a tattoo of Jim Nantz where a tattoo of Jim Nantz shouldn't be
8. You name your child "Gonzaga"
7. Just checked into rehab to kick $500-a-day nacho cheese addiction
6. Got a 35-second shot clock in your bedroom — it's an oldie but a goodie, folks
5. Constantly asking, "What would Michigan State coach Tom Izzo do?"
4. Snack plus lack of activity equals sweet sixteen chins
3. You're so caught up in basketball, you don't even care that "The Hills" Audrina is about to go on her first date since breaking up with Justin Bobby
2. Kick everyone's ass in Scrabble by putting "Krzyzewski" on triple word score
1. You'll watch anything leathery and orange on CBS — even Letterman
Late Show with David Letterman
Here’s a sure way to tell it’s spring in New York City: Eliot Spitzer spent the entire weekend with a girl named Robin.
Yesterday, down in Washington, D.C., President Bush through the first pitch at a national game. He left at the seventh inning. And I thought, “Great. At least he has an exit strategy for that.”
I like that John McCain. He looks like the guy who can’t remember if he took his pill.
He looks like the guy who goes to bed after Andy Rooney.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
People are pressuring Hillary Clinton to quit. This weekend Bill Clinton said Hillary should not drop out of the presidential race. When asked why, Bill said, “Because then she’d come home.”
This week, Barack Obama was bowling. He tried bowling. His score was a terrible 37. Afterwards, Obama told the press, “That’s it — no more white guy sports for me.”
The new president of Cuba, Raul Castro . . . I wonder how he got that job . . .
He announced that it is now legal for Cubans to have cell phones. Cubans were thrilled. They said, “What’s a cell phone?”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
There were rumors that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married yesterday. Thank God they weren’t true. It means I’ve still got a chance.
Watch your back Jolie . . . he’s mine!
Over the weekend, Bill Clinton said that people who were urging Hillary to get out of the race were wasting their time. He said, “If it were that easy to get Hillary to leave, I would have done it years ago.”
Hillary finally admitted to “exaggerating” about being under sniper fire in Bosnia. In the old country we call it a different word — lying.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
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