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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama got a little testy last night at his press conference when he was asked why he waited three days before speaking out about AIG’s bonuses. Obama said he likes to know what he’s talking about before he speaks — yet another reversal of Bush policy.
He also announced another faith-based program: his budget.
In the news, a construction worker from Queens, N.Y., used Bernie Madoff’s prison number to play the lottery — and he won $1,500. To which Madoff said, “See — I can make money!”
The economy’s in bad shape. This morning I had breakfast at the Domestic House of Pancakes.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You Work For A Bad Company
10. Workday begins with a pledge of loyalty to Kim Jong Il
9. If you haven't used your sick days, they infect you with tuberculosis
8. They claim an excellent rating from the "Better Bidness Bureau"
7. Only office perk is the free oxygen
6. Instead of raises, everyone is given raisins
5. CEO recently advised employees to fake their deaths and move to Costa Rica
4. Blew $40 billion in government bailout funds on a state-of-the-art taco bar
3. You spend a lot of time opening for Deep Purple (sorry, that's a sign you work for the band Bad Company)
2. Corporate logo is a handcuffed executive being put in a police cruiser
1. Company gave George W. Bush $7 million for his memoirs
Late Show with David Letterman
It’s spring in New York City. Today I saw a guy sleeping on a bench in the park, and there were squirrels going through his pockets for change.
George W. Bush has signed a deal to write a book. He got $7 million. That makes sense because when you think of George W. Bush you think “book,” don’t you?
In his book, he’ll discuss his “12 toughest decisions.” Like, “Should I heed Al Roker’s warning about Hurricane Katrina?”
“Should I let Cheney carry a loaded shotgun?”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
There’s been a series of earthquakes here today. Scientists say that the rumblings are either from the San Andreas Fault or the Octo-Mom had a couple more kids.
The Environmental Protection Agency says that traces of pharmaceuticals have been found in rivers and lakes all across the country. This can lead to very serious side effects like fish with erections lasting more than four hours.
HBO is making a movie about the Clintons. Julianne Moore and Dennis Quaid are the actors. They’re very good. They will be very believable — especially Dennis Quaid as Hillary.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
At Obama’s press conference last night, he did an unusual thing: He took questions form nontraditional media. He actually declined questions from The New York Times and The Washington Post. He took questions from Ebony magazine, politico.com, Perez Hilton, and Ashton Kutcher’s twitter account.
Before the press conference, President Obama and a group of school children had a video conference with the astronauts onboard the space shuttle Discovery. I guess he had to tell them they have been laid off.
Today was the first day of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s two-day trip to Mexico. She spent the day with Philippe Calderon discussing the drug violence that has been spilling over into the U.S. Then she flew to Cancun to look for Bill.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
At President Obama’s press conference, he said, “We’re seeing definite signs of progress,” and “A better day will come.” Then he stopped and said, “I’m sorry — we’re talking about the Knicks, right?”
Many people are complaining that Obama is becoming too scripted. Last night he was having an intimate moment with Michelle and she said, “Wait a minute — are reading from a teleprompter?”
In Saudi Arabia, clerics want to ban all women from appearing on television. This is really bad news for the hit comedy “How I Met Your Mullah.”
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