The Best of Late Nite Jokes Edited by Newsmax.com

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Finally a good day on Wall Street. The stock market went up 500 points. It went up so high, even CNBC’s Jim Cramer made money.

Apparently, stockbrokers were so distracted by the NCAA tournament they weren’t able to screw things up.

More problems for AIG: It turns out that the bonus money was actually $218 million, not $165 million as originally reported. AIG says they misplaced $53 million in bonus money. Today Sen. Chris Dodd said, “You mean that wasn’t a campaign contribution?”

Florida International University is now offering students valet parking. To give you an idea how bad the economy is, that’s not for their cars, that’s as a career choice! It’s a major.

Late Show with David Letterman

Beautiful day in New York City. So nice, AIG executives were counting their bonus money in the park.

Happy birthday to Rosie O’Donnell. At 47, I’m beginning to wonder if she’ll ever find the right guy.

Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years. He wants to be a model prisoner — today he was teaching his Ponzi class.

Here’s an example of political nitpicking: People don’t know how to criticize the president; the task ahead of him is impossible. What can you say wrong? Critics are now criticizing his overuse of the teleprompter. Maybe he should think about stepping down.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

David Letterman got married over the weekend. Why would he get married? Maybe he was running out of reasons to be cranky.

There’s more: Harrison Ford got engaged to Calista Flockhart over the weekend. This is the first time six carats doesn’t mean her lunch.

On “The View,” Barbara Walters made a joke about a vibrator. Thankfully, “The View” is on in the morning before people have eaten anything they can throw up.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

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