Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
AIG, which has already received $170 billion in taxpayer money, paid $165 million dollars in bonuses. They say the bonuses were justified because the company made an extra $170 billion dollars last year.
President Obama said that the problems at AIG were caused by greed. To which AIG said, “What do you think the G stands for?”
Republican Sen. Charles Grassley said that AIG executives should follow the Japanese model by publicly apologizing and then resign or kill themselves. I have a better idea: Why not have them resign then kill themselves on Pay-Per-View? That would raise enough money to pay off everybody they screwed.
Bernard Madoff’s longtime accountant, David Friehling, was arrested today in connection with the $64 billion Ponzi scheme. The charge? He’s Bernie Madoff’s accountant.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy Dressed As A Leprechaun
10. "I'm large for a leprechaun because my cousin injected me in the ass with steroids"
9. "Look, I know I'm five months late, but trick or treat"
8. "Touch my hat and it's go time"
7. "This colorful costume distracts you while my buddy steals your purse"
6. "Last night, I gave your sister a little luck of the Irish"
5. "I just got laid off from my job as a garden gnome"
4. "Surprise, you're on 'Howie Do It'!"
3. "Hi, are you my blind date?"
2. "I gave my pot of gold to that bastard Bernie Madoff"
1. "Want to help drive the snake out of my pants?"
Late Show with David Letterman
Friday is the first day of spring. You know it’s spring in New York City when the rats come out of hibernation.
You know it’s spring in New York City when the street vendors start putting chlorine in the hotdog water.
Bernie Madoff’s been in prison for a full week. I guess 150 years is fine, but I would like to see him brought out during half-time at the Super Bowl and let his victims beat him with baseball bats.
They say in 150 years, when he gets out, the recession will likely be over.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Their still cleaning up in Chicago after Saint Patrick’s Day. The Chicago River was dark green. Nothing to do with Saint Patrick’s Day — it was just Oprah washing her money.
People at CBS are still hung over. When I was 18, my grandmother gave me a hangover kit to help with days like these. It had a sleep mask, some aspirin, a file to break out of prison . . .
Some tattoo remover . . .
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
There’s a big push to make Saint Patrick’s Day an official holiday. I think they should make the day after a holiday. “Saint My-Head-Hurts Day,” or something.
Here’s an important lesson I learned last night: Do not use Scope to make green beer.
After receiving bailout money, insurance giant AIG gave out $165 million in bonus checks to executives. The problems is, legally, they are entitled to the money. I think I have an idea that would still adhere to the letter of the law: Instead of mailing the checks, we attach them to rocks, and we put them at the bottom of an enormous piranha tank.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
George Bush is writing a book. No, that’s not a joke.
It's a book about the 12 toughest decisions he made as president. It’s called, “The Ten Toughest Decisions I Made As President.”
It’s a pop-up book . . . the White House comes out . . .
Kim Jong Il has demanded that North Korea open its first pizzeria. I would go to “Papa Jong’s.”
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