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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Happy TGIF, which, if you’re a New Yorker, means “The governor is a freak.”
As you know, Gov. Eliot Spitzer has resigned. However, his hooker will finish her full term.
Even Bill Clinton was upset that Spitzer went to a hotel. He said, “Come on, get a desk.”
With all the bad news about the economy today, John McCain started distancing himself from President Bush. In fact, McCain was running so fast from President Bush he ran into Barack Obama who was running from his minister, and Hillary was running from Geraldine Ferraro . . .
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your College Basketball Team Is Not Going To Make The NCAA Basketball Tournament
10. When team makes a basket, everyone hugs and squeels, "Yipee!"
9. Players look like the fat guy from "Lost"
8. Coach keeps pronouncing NCAA "NICKAHHHHH
7. Before hitting the court, team eats lovely meal of fettuccine alfredo
6. They spend timeouts discussing who will win "American Idol"
5. Team let shot clock expire because they enjoy the buzz
4. School's mascot is a giant asthma inhaler
3. Players regularly leave the game early to beat traffic
2. Point guard is leading the league in hernias
1. They score less than Eliot Spitzer
Late Show with David Letterman
As if we don’t have enough problems. Fifteen different prescription drugs in our drinking water. Fifteen! Honest to God, you need a doctor’s prescription to turn on the faucet.
One of the drugs is an anti-anxiety drug. Well, that makes perfect sense — you gotta have that or we couldn’t live here.
Donald Trump is getting into the St. Patrick’s Day festivities. He’s going to add green dye to that thing on his head.
Things are bad. We’ve got an unpopular war . . . high energy prices . . . a slumping economy . . . I just hope to God the president doesn’t find out.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
This morning, President Bush gave an optimistic speech about the economy even though the dollar fell even more, oil hit record highs, and jobs continued to be lost. So when asked what part of the economy is working, Bush said, “Hookers are doing well.”
According to The New York Times, prosecutors suspect that Gov. Eliot Spitzer may have used money from his campaign fund to pay for his prostitute. When reached for comment, Spitzer said, “To be fair, I did get her vote.”
Yesterday Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had a private talk and agreed to stop attacking each other so harshly. Hillary told Barack, “We should pretend to like each other just like Bill and I do.”
The Pentagon just published a report that officially confirms that there was never any link between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaida. The report is entitled “Oops . . . Our Bad.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Rerun
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