Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The stock market is up again. I don’t know what makes me happier — the stock market going up, or Bernie Madoff going down.
See, we didn’t need a stimulus package — we just needed to see Madoff in jail.
Bernie Madoff has been moved from his $7 million penthouse apartment to a much larger gated community.
Bristol Palin, the daughter of Sarah Palin, and her fiancé Levi Johnston, have broken up. Who could have seen that coming?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways The GOP Can Become More Hip
10. Change mascot from an elephant to a can of Mountain Dew
9. Buy one of them computers all the kids are using
8. Appoint Michael Phelps chairman in charge of chillaxing
7. They should totally start a band
6. Change Rush Limbaugh's name to Spongerush Fatpants
5. Add highlights to combovers and hairpieces
4. Four words: Lil Wayne for senator
3. Bring back this guy (George W. Bush dancing at African festival)
2. How 'bout stealing and ordering hits like when Nixon ran things?
1. Fewer reactionary old white guys
Late Show with David Letterman
Everyone is worried about the stock market. The only thing rebounding today was a stockbroker hitting the sidewalk.
Here’s a sad story: A guy bought Girl Scout cookies and it turned out the money he used was counterfeit. Thanks a lot, Bernie Madoff.
It’s been one year since New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigned. To commemorate that event, for today only, the hookers in Time Square are offering something they call “the full Spitzer.”
You gotta hand it to him, he had rendezvous in expensive hotel suites. That’s the difference between Republicans and Democrats. With Democrats it’s always swanky, expensive suites. With Republicans, it’s always airport men’s rooms.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
News came out today that the Army fired 11 soldiers for being openly gay. Apparently, the decision was made after officials found one sergeant handling 10 privates.
The pastor of the Times Square Church in New York is predicting that the end of the world. This is a lose-lose proposition. Either the world ends, or he’s talking crap. Either way it’s not good.
The theological term for this is painting yourself into a corner.
If you really want to get ahead if you’re a doomsdayer, predict that the world will not end. Predict next Tuesday, the world will not end. Then when it comes and it does end, who cares, no one will be around to say you were wrong; and if it doesn’t end, people will say, “He’s a prophet!”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
2009 is turning out to be a very scary year. For the second month in a row, it was Friday the 13th. Not only are there going to be three Friday the 14ths this year, at the end of October, it’s going to be Halloween.
Terror struck the new home of Octo Mom Nadya Suleman — someone toilet-papered her house. It’s nice to see that Americans can finally afford to waste toilet paper again.
For the first time ever, Oprah is sharing the cover of her magazine; she will appear with Michelle Obama. In exchange, Michelle will share her husband with Oprah.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Obama is being criticized for trying to solve too many problems at the same time. I’ll tell you one thing — this never would have happened if Bush were still president.
In Washington, a woman who bought a used couch found a live cat in its cushions. This should serve as a reminder to everyone: please, have your couches spayed or neutered.
Wrestler-turned-actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson admitted yesterday to using steroids. And the fallout’s been intense. Today he was signed by the Yankees.
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