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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Bernie Madoff pled guilty today in court to running a Ponzi scheme. He was immediately taken to jail. Oddly, when he was taken to jail he wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. So you know what that means, guys in prison — he’s available.
President Obama said that we have let our schools crumble, and other nations are outpacing us in learning. But the good news is we’re still No. 1 in the number of students sleeping with their teachers.
Former presidential candidate John Edwards spoke to Brown University last night to a crowd of 600 people. I think the topic was “From Hair to Paternity.”
He spoke to the students at Brown about poverty and morals. Who better to lecture young people about poverty and morals than a rich personal injury attorney who knocked up his mistress?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Messages Left On Bernie Madoff's Answering Machine
10. "This is Barnes & Noble. I'm sorry, we don't sell calendars for the year 2159"
9. "Hey Bernie, I've been out of the country — how are my investments doing?"
8. "Blockbuster calling. Your copies of 'The Great Escape' and 'The Shawshank Redemption' are overdue"
7. "Do I have the correct number? Is this 1-800-ASS****?"
6. "It's Ruth — if you go out, remember to swindle some milk and eggs"
5. "If you're under house arrest, why aren't you home?"
4. "Sorry, I didn't mean to dial your number. I just sat on my phone"
3. "Hi Bernie, it's A-Rod's cousin. You looking to bulk up for prison?"
2. "It's Michael Phelps. Need something to help you relax?"
1. "It's George W. Bush. Can I still get in?"
Late Show with David Letterman
I wonder if it’s too soon to hit on Bernie Madoff’s wife.
Bernie Madoff, swindler, is in jail today. Twenty-five of his victims were present to shout obscenities at him at the trial. Here’s the breakdown: 24 of them were swindled; the other one was Christian Bale.
He was convicted. He said he would like to go to San Quentin, Maui.
That’s a tough place to go. You’re kept awake all night by the pounding surf, and you can’t use the cappuccino maker after 10 p.m.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
General Motors announced they wouldn’t need an extra $2 billion from the bailout. They said they’re getting great returns from some guy named Madoff.
Bernie Madoff going to jail. He could spend 150 years in the slammer. He won’t get out until he’s 220. The judge said, “Straight to jail — do not pass Go; do not collect $200 . . .”
Then Madoff said, “Hey — I can turn that $200 into $400,” . . . and the judge said, "Hmmm . . ."
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty to $50 billion in fraud. He told the judge he was deeply sorry and ashamed and the judge said, “Oh,” before sentencing him to probably the rest of his life.
I feel bad for the victims, but the guy’s name is “Made-Off.” Seriously — that’s not a red flag?
That’s like hiring a guy named “Bernie Hepatitis” to serve you clams.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Bernie Madoff has pled guilty and is now in jail. He had a busy day: He got his orange jumpsuit, met his cellmate, and converted to Islam.
He’s fitting right in — we heard he’s already swindled 2 million cigarettes.
Sesame Street just laid off 20 percent of its workforce. It’s going to be tough finding these guys jobs — they’re still learning the alphabet.
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