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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has admitted that he has been involved in a prostitution ring. This is the same man who when he was attorney general went after the prostitution rings. So apparently for not giving him good service . . .
This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to a governor since Arnold Schwarzenegger did “Kindergarten Cop.”
That shows you how the whole world is backwards. I mean you’ve got Democrats, who are supposed to be poor, paying $5,000 an hour for sex, and you’ve got Republicans, who are supposed to be rich, cruising airport bathrooms trying to get it for free.
In political news, Hillary Clinton has been hinting that she and Barack Obama might share the Democratic ticket with her in the No. 1 position. She feels Barack Obama deserves some sort of consolation prize for getting the most votes and being the most popular.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Messages Left On Eliot Spitzer's Answering Machine
10. Hey, what's new?
9. It's Barack Obama. Remember our conversation about being my running mate? Never mind.
8. Ralph Nader here, glad to hear I'm not the only politician who has to pay for it
7. I'm calling from the New York Post. Would you rather be known as "Disgraced Gov. Perv," or "Humiliated Whore Fiend"?
6. This is John McCain, if it makes you feel better, I once got caught having sex with Lincoln's wife
5. It's Dr. Phil, call me if you need any horses*** advice
4. This is Sen. Larry Craig. Do you ever go through the Minneapolis airport?
3. It's Wolf Blitzer. Call me if you ever want a hot Spitzer-Blitzer three-way
2. Paris Hilton here. I would have done it for free
1. It's Arnold Schwarzenegger. Thanks, I'm no longer America's creepiest governor
Late Show with David Letterman
Beautiful day outside. So sunny, Eliot Spitzer came out of a brothel squinting.
Everybody knows by now that New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer was caught with a high-priced call girl. There but for a declined MasterCard go I.
Spitzer was told about the evidence against him on Friday. Last Friday. I was thinking, “Wow. Somebody had a worse weekend than I did.”
He was a regular customer. He was known as “Client 9.” It looks like Client 9 will be looking for Wife 2.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, The New York Times reported that New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer was a customer of high-end prostitution ring and that the prostitutes knew him as “Client 9.” Not surprisingly, Clients 1-8 were Charlie Sheen.
If Gov. Spitzer resigns over his prostitution scandal, he will reportedly go into private practice as a lawyer. When asked why he wanted to practice law again, Spitzer said, “I like businesses where you charge by the hour and screw your clients."
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain have all been claiming that they’re the most qualified person to answer the White House phone at 3 a.m. McCain said, “I'm the most qualified because I'm usually up at that hour peeing anyway."
A new study claims that New York State drinking water contains dozens of pharmaceutical drugs. A spokesperson for New York state said that pharmaceutical drugs in the drinking water are not dangerous unless your erection lasts for more than four hours.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Rerun
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It hasn’t been a great week for Gov. Eliot Spitzer. He’s the guy who built a career crusading against corruption. He got caught on an FBI wiretap arranging for a $1,000-an-hour prostitute. Allegedly, he wired money to the Emperor’s Club, which is a service that provides hookers to upscale gentlemen like my Uncle Frank.
He was Client No. 9. He paid $4,300 for a two-hour interlude with a prostitute named Kristen. Which, I think means, he has $2,000 of credit left.
It will come in handy because of the stress. He will need to blow off a lot of steam.
He held a press conference where he apologized to his constituents and his family. He didn’t take any questions; he went right home where his wife repeatedly kicked him in the testicles.
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