Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
In a stunning announcement, Citigroup showed a profit and had its best quarter since 2007. They made $8 billion dollars in profit. That just shows you: If you give a company $45 billion in government bailout money, they’ll show you how to turn it into $8 billion in profit.
President Obama continues to have problems filling Cabinet positions. CNN’s medical expert Sanjay Gupta turned down the job as surgeon general. He said he didn’t want to take the big pay cut. Obama said to him, “Hey don’t worry about it — after my tax hike, it'll work out to the same money anyway.”
The economy is bad. In Beverly Hills, on prom night, some kids might even have to share a limo.
Even the Girl Scouts are cutting corners. Today I bought a box of really thin mints.
Late Show with David Letterman
Today is Tuesday, March 10. But like everything else, I wouldn’t be surprised if those numbers went down.
Warren Buffett says that the economy has fallen off a cliff. I say, Who cares what that Margaritaville guy thinks, anyway.
Economists say that by this time next year, there could be fewer than 100 late-night talk-show hosts.
A guy was arrested in Long Island for running a $4 million Ponzi scheme. And I thought, Hell — Bernie Madoff has that in his sock drawer.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Stocks were up 400 points today. I haven’t seen anything shoot up so fast since Amy Winehouse.
Michael Jackson has announced some concert dates. At the press conference he gave what looked like a Nazi salute. Nothing says I’ve still got the crazy like a Nazi salute.
A lot of people say Michael Jackson is a freak. I say no. He’s just a disturbed man-child lost in a creepy dream world.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Obama’s approval ratings remain high. I don’t want to say there’s a conspiracy against him, but on the show “Jeopardy,” they had an Obama category and there seemed to be a bias. One of the questions was, “Obama learned his extreme Marxist ideology at this law school.”
Another was, “Obama’s terrorist-sounding middle name rhymes with insane.”
Finally, there this one: “In 2012, after Obama has destroyed the economy, President Rush Limbaugh will be responsible for this task.”
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The U.S. is convinced that North Korea is testing a new long-range ballistic missile, but North Korea insists it’s just a satellite intended for peaceful purposes. Like peacefully bombing South Korea.
John McCain’s daughter, Meghan, wrote yesterday that Ann Coulter is “offensive, radical, and insulting.” Wow. That’s by far the nicest thing anyone has ever said about Ann Coulter.
Tomorrow, Bernie Madoff will plead guilty to charges that carry a sentence of up to 150 years — of course, that’s 500 in snake years.
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