Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The Obama family is finally getting their dog! This April they are going to get a Portuguese water dog. Today, Rush Limbaugh said he hopes the dog fails.
President Obama got some good news today: It seems so many of his Cabinet appointees have been forced to pay their back taxes, he now gets a finder’s fee from the IRS.
A previously unknown asteroid narrowly missed hitting the Earth this week. They said if it had hit, it would have been the worst disaster since the invention of the adjustable-rate mortgage.
According to the National Enquirer, John Edwards has now admitted to his wife that he did father a love child with his mistress. Is it really a “love child?” Isn’t it more like a “hurry up before my wife gets home” child?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Spring Break
10. Day 6 of vacation and your US Air flight still hasn't left the Hudson
9. The "meal plan" is anything that washes ashore
8. Instead of a mint, maid leaves note on your pillow which reads, "Run!"
7. Hotel overlooks the strip — the Gaza Strip
6. The beach is famous for its beautiful white sand and deadly stingray attacks
5. Couldn't get beer, so everyone gets intoxicated sucking a Pontiac tailpipe
4. Several things in your room are marked "evidence"
3. Perfectly good week at beach is ruined by giant fire-breathing lizards
2. Only person you've seen naked is the maintenance guy Eduardo
1. Your girlfriend finally puts out, just not with you
Late Show with David Letterman
I made a surprise visit to my accountant to see how things are going. He was playing Guitar Hero.
He said I could increase my deductions if I had octuplets.
The economy is bad. So bad, one airline wants to charge for the restroom. If things get any worse, they’ll charge pilots for their cocktails.
A New Zealand airline is offering in-flight showers. Before, the only way you could take a bath while flying was to land in the Hudson.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The “Watchmen” opens today. It’s about a bunch of guys who watch men.
No, it’s about a bunch of superheroes who operate outside the law, but who used to be endorsed by the government. Basically, they’re all a bunch of Dick Cheneys.
When guys are asked what superpower they would choose, it’s always X-ray vision. I guess so they could see through women’s clothes. But if they had X-ray vision, all women would be skeletons. They would all look like Keira Knightley.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Rerun
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta turned down Obama’s surgeon general job because he would have to take a pay cut. Yeah, you have no idea how much money CNN pays him to keep Larry King alive.
Michael Jackson is going to be doing 10 concerts in London this summer and is expected to bring in $400 million . . . 400 million? That’s enough to settle like 15 “personal” lawsuits.
A special Beatles version of the video game Rock Band is coming out. I can’t wait for this. You can play as John, Paul, George, or Ringo. And it comes with a full warranty . . . in case Yoko shows up.
This weekend is Daylight Saving Time. So set your clocks and spring forward. Usually, you’d lose one hour of sleep. But under Obama’s tax plan, now you lose two.
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