Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is working very hard, traveling all over the world. She’s been to Korea, Japan, China, Egypt, and Israel. Or as Bill calls it — spring break.
Here we go again: President Obama’s latest nominee for U.S. trade representative, a man named Ron Kirk, owes $10,000 in unpaid back taxes. Apparently when it comes to taxes, “yes we can” is now “no we didn’t.”
One of his tax deductions was $17,000 for tickets to a Dallas Mavericks game. He deducted $17,000 for basketball tickets. But to be fair, since it was the Mavericks, he should be able to write that off as a failed investment.
The Federal Reserve chairman said today that the $700 billion bailout of banks isn’t going to be enough. Now the government is giving AIG $30 billion more. We gave them $165 billion, now we’re giving them another $30 billion. You know what AIG stands for? “And It’s Gone!”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things U2 Has Learned Over The Years
10. "A lot of people think I'm the guy who sang with Cher" (Bono)
9. "I suck at 'Guitar Hero'" (The Edge)
8. "Dumb people send us videos all the time. They think we're YouTube" (Adam)
7. "Even my family asks, 'Are you Adam or Larry?'" (Larry)
6. "There's always quite a stir at Applebee's when they call, 'U2 — party of four'" (Bono)
5. "Cool name: The Edge. Uncool name: The Itch" (The Edge)
4. "Melted cheese tastes good on practically everything" (Adam)
3. "Sometimes when we shout, 'Are you ready to rock?!' I don't care if you are ready to rock" (Larry)
2. "It's never too soon to start working on a phony Irish accent" (All)
1. "Up close, you can totally see Letterman's hairpiece" (Bono)
Late Show with David Letterman
Cold outside today. So cold, Bernie Madoff swindled some guy out of his long underwear.
So cold, Alex Rodriguez’s cousin injected him with Tabasco Sauce.
Bernie Madoff and his wife are saying they have $69 million that is theirs. It’s not part of the money he swindled — it’s money he saved by switching to GEICO.
With the economy being so bad, over a thousand people have volunteered to become the Obama dog.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A fertility clinic is offering parents the opportunity to select the eye and hair color of their children. Whatever happened to the good ol’ days when people would get pregnant and have their eight babies and go on “Entertainment Tonight”?
Desmond Tutu has agreed to be on the show. So there will be no wacky comedy . . . no Tutu in a tutu.
He said he wanted to escape the program with his dignity in tact. I told him, “Fine — but you’ll be the first.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It was elimination night on “American Idol.” They voted off all the contestants and three of the judges.
The only two left are Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest . . . this gives them more time to flirt with each other.
Exciting news out of Chicago: Oprah has adopted a puppy. Which means a homeless dog now has more money than all of us combined.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Scientists say an asteroid barely missed hitting the Earth. This is true. Terrifying. Scientists say it would have the destructive power of two atomic bombs or one weekend with Chris Brown.
Here’s some uplifting news from Iraq. For the first time, millions of Iraqis have access to the Internet. They can even go on Facebook, as long as the “face” is wearing a veil.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy received a death threat yesterday when he opened a letter that was filled with bullets. Almost as scary as last year when he barely escaped — after being faxed a picture of a knife.
An angry woman called 911 yesterday because McDonalds ran out of Chicken McNuggets. That is not cool. When you tie up the lines like that, 911 can’t help people who are actually dying from eating Chicken McNuggets.
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