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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
There’s a new movie out: “Over My Dead Body.” It’s about Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.
The big story: Mitt Romney has dropped out of the race. This leaves John McCain as the Republican front-runner. The GOP likes to call itself the “Big Tent Party.” Mike Huckabee would be the “Revivalist Party.”
Ron Paul would be the “Circus Tent.”
John McCain is the “Oxygen Tent.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Mitt Romney Dropped Out Of The Presidential Race
10. Harsh midwest weather was murder on his split ends
9. Wants to devote more time to rap persona P. Mitty
8. Polls show public doesn't want a president who looks like a casino greeter
7. Just couldn't compete with the Ron Paul juggernaut
6. Unveiling a new line of honey-roasted Romnuts
5. That bastard Zogby had it in for him
4. Apparently America is not ready for a white male president
3. No number 3 — writer suffering from Mitt withdrawal
2. There was that little problem of nobody voting for him
1. Lost all of his money betting on the Patriots
Late Show with David Letterman
Happy Chinese New Year! It’s the year of the rat. I’m so stupid — I’m still writing year of the pig on my checks.
Year of the rat — who knew it would coincide with an election year.
Mitt Romney has dropped out of the race. Don’t worry about him though. He'll go back to playing Stewart Chandler on “All My Children.”
Technically he didn’t drop out of the race . . . he suspended his campaign. You know, kind of like the way Elvis suspended his career.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Mitt Romney withdrew from the race. Despite this, a new poll found that he is favored by senior citizens. Unfortunately for Mitt, the seniors still ranked him third behind applesauce and Jell-O.
Archaeologists in Hungary say they’ve discovered a forest of trees that is 8 million years old. They say they haven’t seen wood this old since the last time Larry King watched porn.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Mitt Romney, the first Mormon candidate, has dropped out of the race. He says he wants to focus on 2012, which is how many wives he has.
President Bush’s stimulus package was defeated in the Senate today. You know who was the last person to vote it down? Sen. Larry Craig. The guy with the wide stance in the men’s room. Stimulus package?
It’s the Chinese New Year! The year of the rat. I don’t like rats. I was in New York waiting for a subway, and a rat came up to me and said, “What’s up?” It was Nathan Lane.
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