Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Tuesday was Super Tuesday, so I guess that makes Wednesday anti-Climatic Wednesday.
Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. She won here in California. Her people were worried; they thought it would be close. This was Hillary’s longest night not looking for her husband.
John McCain was the big Republican winner. One pundit said McCain’s lucky nickel was working. He carries a lucky nickel. It must be lucky — six months ago, that was his campaing war chest.
Hillary Clinton also carries around a lucky nickel. Not for superstitious reasons — she just flips it when she needs a position on Iraq.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs John McCain Is Getting Too Cocky
10. Canceled tomorrow's campaign appearances so he doesn't miss "Lost"
9. Spent the afternoon roughing up Romney supporters
8. Last night, he blew half campaign war chest playing Internet poker
7. Already working on his 2012 re-election strategy
6. Plans to campaign for the next three days in "Vodkachusetts"
5. Recently told voter "Keep that ugly ass baby away from me"
4. Now refers to Mike Huckabee as "Mike Suckabee"
3. Has started yelling, "Bingo!" when he doesn't even have bingo (come on, folks, he's old!)
3. Has started yelling
2. Renamed his campaign bus the "Bite Me Express"
1. Went to Mexico with Jessica Simpson
Late Show with David Letterman
Super Tuesday elections yesterday. I had the worst trouble with the machines. I kept yanking on the lever. One time, I turned the whole thing over.
I like to go in there and take off my pants. I hold them outside the curtain and say, “You got these in a 38?”
This time, I pull the lever and a Snickers bar comes out.
Mitt Romney came in second to John McCain. John McCain got the black vote, but Mitt got the well-tanned vote.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Super Tuesday last night. Tough night for Hillary. She has been accused of frequently switching he positions. To which Bill Clinton said, “I wish.”
In a recent speech, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that if Republicans want to win, they have to be more like him. I think it’s working — today Mitt Romney gave a speech with a dozen walnuts in his mouth.
Big night for John McCain. He has been taking his 95-year-old mother along with him in his campaign bus. None of the other candidates are traveling with their mothers, but Bill Clinton is traveling with several MILFs.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Wednesday after Super Tuesday. It's Super Hump Day!
Hillary Clinton is having money problems. To keep her campaign alive, she had to spend $5 million of her family's money. Bill Clinton was very upset. Five million dollars is two months at the strip club.
He said, "Damn it Hillary I want that money back . . . and I want it in singles."
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Contrary to what the news says, Miami Heat center Shaquille O’Neil hasn’t been traded to the Phoenix Suns. He’s actually been traded to the sun.
In exchange, the earth will receive two moons and a dwarf star to be named later.
Britney Spears was released from the hospital psychiatric ward today. Authorities are warning all citizens in Los Angeles to remain in their homes.
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