Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
It’s official: With 97 million viewers, this was the most-watched Super Bowl ever. It was the second most-watched event of all time — right after the Paris Hilton video.
Hillary Clinton lost her voice last night in the primaries. In the ultimate irony, she had to ask one of Bill’s interns for a throat lozenge. What are the odds?
John McCain says it’s been tested, retested, and tested again — and that’s just his prostate.
Some voters have been voting by mail, but the mail has been slow, so there have been votes for Fred Thompson, Rudy Giuliani . . . in fact the mail has been so slow, they’re getting votes for Hubert Humphrey . . . a couple of Dukakis votes came in . . .
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways To Make Super Tuesday More Exciting
10. Pull the level and a delicious Milky Way bar comes out
9. One lucky voter wins a romantic Bahamas getaway with Mitt Romney
8. Add a Showcase Showdown
7. Postpone it 24 hours so you can rename it Super Hump Day
6. Replace Mike Huckabee with his cousin Huck Mikeabee
5. Ballot-countin' monkeys
4. Eat poopy
3. Halftime entertainment by Dennis Kucinich
2. Invite Sean Young to appear at victory speech
1. Put a Manning on the ballot
Late Show with David Letterman
Well, it’s all over now . . . Hillary can remove the duct tape from Bill’s mouth.
There’s been some controversy surrounding Hillary . . . a conflict of interest. Apparently, Hillary owns a piece of a pantsuit company.
I wish that John McCain a lot of luck. At my age, I’m just happy to see a candidate who’s older than I am.
How about that Mitt Romney? This guy looks like a lawyer who advertises on the back of a bus.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
It’s Super Tuesday! Did everyone vote? Let’s face it: No one even knew it was Super Tuesday.
Hillary teared up again. She did it at Yale University. Pundits are saying this might make the difference . . . her crying might make the difference for her. This got me thinking: Maybe I should give it a shot.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It’s a great day for America, or is it? I don’t know if it is, because today the White House announced who’s performing at their very prestigious Correspondents Dinner this year: Me!
Apparently the White House reaction is that the president is “pleased” by the decision. It tells me one thing — he has never seen this show.
The Correspondents Dinner is going to be awkward because I’m sharing a table with President Bush. You know what that means, that’s gonna be the kids table. I have big legs and I have to eat the macaroni and cheese, and do the coloring. It is going to be embarrassing.
Mardi Gras means no restrictions. Fat Tuesday is the one day of the year you can eat whatever you want, drink whatever you want, shag whomever you want. Basically for a night, you’re a member of Guns & Roses.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Today is Super Tuesday. It’s also Fat Tuesday. Happy Super Fat Tuesday to everyone!
I voted in a garage down the block from my house. But don’t worry — it had tight security. There were at least four 80-year-old people guarding the place.
I don’t know if I could ever get my garage clean enough to have voting there. My garage looks like a scene from “Cloverfield.”
I had a Super Bowl party at my house this weekend. I really need a bigger house or fewer friends . . . and I’m leaning towards fewer friends.
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