Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The mayor of Los Angeles has called for 10,000 more police . . . and that’s just to take Britney Spears to the hospital.
If Sen. John McCain wins, he will be the oldest president to take office. But the good news? At age 71, he would be eligible for pre-boarding on Air Force One.
Action stars are endorsing candidates. Mike Huckabee has Chuck Norris; Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone came out for John McCain; and today, Clinton picked up Janet Reno.
In the news today, an Afghanistan poppy grower says he knows people will die from the heroin he grows, but if he doesn’t grow heroin, his family will starve to death. Hey farmer genius — why don’t you try growing some food?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At Your Super Bowl Party
10. "I'll take your coats and Michael Vick will take your dogs"
9. "If the Giants beat the spread, we get to keep the house"
8. "The clam dip has been unrefrigerated since the NFC Championship"
7. "Tell that Joey Bishop story again, Regis"
6. "Cool, Dick Butkus is here . . . Oh, sorry ma'am"
5. "Surprise! Welcome to your intervention!"
4. "Grizzly bear — run!!!"
3. "Why are we watching golf?"
2. "Letterman's here"
1. "Bill Belichick has video of you in the shower"
Late Show with David Letterman
Happy Groundhog Day! Down in Washington D.C., a confused President Bush pardoned a turkey.
Here in New York City, we don't have groundhogs. Here's what happens: Down at the Hello Deli, a rat pokes his head out of a club sandwich.
A German airline is offering nude flights. What a tremendous idea. How many times have you been on a flight and looked around and said, "Gee, if only I could see these people naked."
The flights are great for flight attendants. It makes it easier to spot the guy who ordered the kosher meal.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
This week, Arnold Schwarzenegger endorsed John McCain . . . then groped his a**.
“I’ll be back. I’ll be back for more old man a**.”
Two big movies opening today. They both star very beautiful women. Jessica Alba and Eva Longoria. Eva Longoria’s movie is called “Over Her Dead Body,” and it’s about ghosts and demons. But they don’t scare Eva, because she’s already seen the most terrifying thing of all — Terri Hatcher without makeup.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton locked horns for a debate last night. The tone was much more friendly than their last debate. In fact, they even shared a room together after the debate.
That would be great revenge for the Bill and Monica thing.
How furious would Oprah be?
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