This winter storm has left thousands without electricity. It's as if President Obama had taken over the power companies.
In Syria, Muslim rebels are so desperate for food they broke into the zoo and ate a lion. That shows you how things are changing in the Mideast. In the old days they used to feed the Christians to the lions, and now they're feeding the lions to the Muslims.
New Jersey legislators want to ban eating while driving. Good luck getting Governor Chris Christie to sign that one.
The post office announced that since they have lost so much money they are going to be reviewing their business model. That could mean big changes. The last time the post office reviewed their business model they sold the ponies and bought trucks.
There are freezing temperatures across the country right now. In Hollywood, temperatures are in the 50s. Of course, since it's Hollywood, the weather is telling everyone it's only in its mid-30s.
Tech companies are upset about government spying. Technology companies like Google, Twitter, and AOL are asking the government to limit its surveillance. Actually, Google and Twitter are mad. AOL is just happy that somebody is looking at them.
North Korea has confirmed that Kim Jong Un has fired his uncle. Unemployment benefits in North Korea include two weeks' severance and not being shot.
Paris Hilton's brother claims that Lindsay Lohan had someone beat him up. Lohan said, "That's ridiculous. If I wanted to hurt someone, I'd use my car."
There's a snowstorm all over two-thirds of the country. Nobody, because of the snowstorm, can get to the unemployment office.
Did you see “The Sound of Music”? It was the most exciting live TV event since Matt Lauer's on-air prostate examination.
Every 10 minutes during “The Sound of Music” you got to vote off one of the Trapp kids.
It's the holidays. Getting together with your family — on paper that’s a wonderful idea.
Most of the country is in a deep freeze today. It's so cold that in Texas people were crossing back into Mexico for the warmth.
Even in Los Angeles it is freezing. And by "freezing" I mean 63 and sunny.
The Grammys are on CBS in January. I can't go. I'll be doing standup in Canada so I'll send a guy from Canada to the Grammys to take my place. But I would be nervous about sending Toronto Mayor Rob Ford to the Grammys. Musicians are known to use drugs now and then.
Washington, D.C., could get as much as five inches of snow on Wednesday. It's sunny and 61 here in L.A. We just look frozen from all the Botox injections.
On our local news stations, they spend a lot of time to convince us that it's a big story any time we have to put a coat on.
Last week a man was locked in an airplane for several hours after he fell asleep during a flight and nobody woke up him up when it landed. But other than that, Joe Biden had a great trip to Asia.
Yankees’ second baseman Robinson Cano just agreed to a $240 million, 10-year deal with the Seattle Mariners. Cano said, “I had to follow my wallet. I mean my heart!”
The World Cup is coming next summer and it was just announced that the U.S. soccer team has a really tough schedule. They play against Germany, Ghana, and Portugal. Americans were pretty upset. They said, “There’s gonna be soccer on TV again?”