Thursday Oct 08 2015

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The race for president is really starting to get competitive, and Donald Trump recently said that he's actually getting ready to air his first campaign ads. Even the Geico lizard was like, "I think we already see enough of you on TV, mate."

Hillary Clinton continues to distance herself from the Obama administration. In fact, Hillary just came out against President Obama's Trans-Pacific Partnership Trade Agreement, also known as the TPP.

Which is weird, because when Obama asked Hillary if she was down with TPP, she said, "Yeah, you know me. A flip, flop, the flippy to the flippity, flip, flip, flip, flop, you don't stop . . ."

They're saying that Republican candidate Ben Carson made a number of serious mistakes as a neurosurgeon and even left a sponge in one patient's brain. When asked how it affected his life, the patient was like "It's fine, I'm still running for president. I don't care. Everything's great. It's gonna be huge."


A California mom is being sued because her son told everyone at school that Santa Claus isn't real. Yeah. What makes the story even worse is that her son goes to UCLA. He's a physics major. He's 21.

California governor Jerry Brown signed a controversial new bill allowing assisted suicide. Yeah. Just in time for Lakers season.

Lexus has built a drivable car made of cardboard. Part of the new motto is, "Nothing can stop our cars except a light drizzle."

Ultimate fighting champion Ronda Rousey is mad at Justin Bieber because Bieber refused to take a picture with her little sister. Bieber's funeral is tomorrow.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Nobel Prize for literature was given out today. Tomorrow they award the Nobel Prize for Peace. Apparently the way they let a nominee know they won is they call them on the phone and say, "You won." A lot of the winners when they pick up the phone don't believe it; they think it's a prank call and they hang up. If I had any smart friends I'd call to tell them they won the Nobel Prize every single year, which is probably why I don't have smart friends.

There's an event company that specializes in fake weddings. Like the one Kim Kardashian had with that basketball player.

The idea is that many young people don't want to get married but they do want a wedding, so the company puts on a fake ceremony and a fake reception. It's great for people who don't want to get married but do want all the logistical hassle and cost of getting married.

I can't imagine writing "Will attend" on an RSVP for a fake wedding. There are already weddings for people who don't want to get married — they're called weddings.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

House Republicans announced a sudden postponement to the vote to elect John Boehner’s replacement, after speakership front-runner Kevin McCarthy declared himself “unfit” for the job. Though I think he just got scared of how difficult that job must be when he found out that John Boehner is 31 years old.

Despite claiming last week that he would have rushed the Oregon shooter to save lives, Dr. Ben Carson yesterday recounted how he was once held up at gunpoint in a Popeye’s Chicken and told the gunman, “I believe you want the guy behind the counter.” So we know at least one guy who’s DEFINITELY not voting for Ben Carson.

Republican presidential hopeful John Kasich made fun of a young woman at a campaign event this week by calling on her for a question and saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t have any Taylor Swift tickets.” This morning Taylor Swift announced that John Kasich is out of the squad.

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