Monday Oct 05 2015

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Last week, the firefighters' union announced that it was no longer supporting Hillary for president. You know your campaign's in trouble when firefighters are like, “Even WE can't put out that many fires.”

In an interview with Al Sharpton, Hillary Clinton said Donald Trump just says whatever he needs in order to “stir up the passions of people.” Then Al Sharpton was like, “You know you're talking to ME, right?"

At a speech in Tennessee, Trump talked about his decision to run for president, and said, quote, “I didn't want to do this, I had to do this.” Then he was immediately sued by Jeb Bush for stealing his campaign slogan.

A new report found that Donald Trump is no longer the most liked candidate on Facebook, and Ben Carson now has the most likes with over 4 million. Yeah, you can tell Carson was pretty excited because when he found out he actually opened BOTH eyes.

The third movie in the “Thor” series is going to be called “Thor: Ragnarok.” Mainly because calling it “Thor Three” would give everyone a speech impediment. "Theriously?"

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The baseball playoffs start this week, and last week there was a baseball game in Arizona where some girls in the stands were taking so many selfies, it caught the attention of the commentators. These girls took about 20 pictures in 10 seconds at a baseball game. The guys who landed on the moon took like, three total pictures.

I can picture them coming home and their friends being like, "How was the game?" "Oh, it was so intense. Bottom of the ninth, I didn't think we were going to pull it off. My battery was at 3 percent but then Sarah found a charger."

More people have died taking selfies than have been killed by sharks. It is tragic, not only because you're dead, but because you'll never be able to see how many “likes” that picture got.

My policy is, you should treat selfies like you treat drinking. Try not to do it alone, definitely don't do it while you're driving, and if you take more than two or three a day, you should probably seek help.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

For the first time this primary season, a national poll has placed Dr. Ben Carson as the Republican front-runner. Carson was so excited about the news, his eyes almost opened.

Hillary Clinton said this weekend that the record turnout for Bernie Sanders’ rallies is great for the Democratic Party. And it wasn't easy for her to say that, because at the time, she was biting a cinder block in half.

Donald Trump confirmed in an interview today that he operates his own Twitter account. However, his mouth and his brain are run by interns.

Republican presidential hopeful Chris Christie said this weekend that he would rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge than be in Congress. And just to be safe, Mayor de Blasio issued a tsunami warning for Lower Manhattan.

Researchers have begun collecting data to develop a pill that will allow users to experience the benefits of exercise without having to work out. Said Americans, "So I have to get up, get a glass of water, unscrew the pill cap? No, thank you. Not interested."

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Whole Foods will no longer sell products by prison inmates. Reform advocates say Whole Foods is profiting off of the sale of products prepared by inmates who aren't paid much. Prison labor? But everything at Whole Foods is supposed to be cage-free!

I can't believe this. The whole time, I thought Farmer Bob was making my goat cheese. Turns out, it was some guy named "Spider." Their motto, "Our cheese is aged 25-to-life."

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