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Thursday Jun 23 2016

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump is actually taking a break from the campaign to go visit his golf resort in Scotland tomorrow. Right after he leaves the U.S., Republicans will say, "Quick! Build the wall!"

Trump’s campaign isn't doing so well financially. A recent report said his campaign even spent over $100,000 for meals just last month. Trump was like, "Well, that's the price you pay for hiring Chris Christie."

Bernie Sanders still hasn't officially dropped out of the race for president, but earlier today, he gave a speech with the theme “Where do we go from here?” I think he was basically asking the crowd for directions back to Vermont.

Democrats held a big sit-in on the House floor to protest Congress' refusal to vote on gun control. Or in other words, Democrats were tired of Congress not getting anything done, so they refused to get anything done until someone got something done.

Yesterday, the Knicks made a huge trade with the Chicago Bulls to get all-star Derrick Rose. I guess the Bulls approached the Knicks, looked them in the eyes and said, "Will you accept this rose?"

Conan

Last night’s sit-in by Congressional Democrats was live-streamed and got over 3 million views. Which is why today, Congress got picked up for two seasons on Netflix.

Some scientists say one day we may be able to store data in our DNA. If that’s true, then the floor of my college dorm room is a supercomputer.

In response to Hillary Clinton’s slogan "I’m with her," Donald Trump debuted his new slogan, "I’m with you." Then Bernie Sanders debuted his new slogan, "I’m still here, dammit!"

House Speaker Paul Ryan has unveiled a Republican alternative to Obamacare. It’s called "Dying at 50."

In its last few days before break, the Supreme Court has been arguing about race, immigration, and abortion. So basically, the Supreme Court has become most people's families at Thanksgiving.

It’s been reported that after leaving office, President Obama is considering owning an NBA team. They say Obama wants to be an NBA owner because it’s his only chance to get someone on the court.

In Jerusalem, renovation work is beginning on Jesus’s burial tomb. It’s being listed as "occupied by previous owner for only three days!"

The Late Late Show with James Corden

House Democrats staged a dramatic 26-hour sit-in on the floor of the House to force a vote on background check provisions. The Democrats decided to get the Republicans' attention by doing something they can relate to: sitting on their butts and getting nothing done.

The truth is the sit-in failed to force a vote, but it was a huge success in at least one way: It finally bumped Donald Trump out of the news for 24 hours — which, seriously, thank you Democrats.

If you’re going to be anywhere for 26 hours you're going to need some snacks. As a show of solidarity several Democratic senators sent boxes of food to those participating in the sit-in. Sen. Chuck Schumer sent Pepsi and Mountain Dew, Dick Durbin sent Milky Ways, Ron Wyden sent pizzas. I don't know if this sit-in changed anything, but the slumber party afterwards is going to be amazing.

The sit-in looks really good fun. You sit on the floor, you sing songs, eat pizza. If I was in Congress, I would have a sit-in on every other issue. I would be like, “All right, we need to introduce this zoning bill. Everyone on the floor. Dave, pull up the Domino's app. Garlic knots?”

But despite their best efforts, after 26 hours the Democrats decided to end the sit-in. They wanted to end hours earlier, but that is how long it takes 70-year-old men to get up off the floor.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Democrats staged a 26-hour sit-in on the floor of the House to try to force a vote on new gun control legislation. You know the state of our Congress is terrible when you see a bunch of politicians sitting on their [butts] and think to yourself, “Wow, they’re finally doing something!”

After ending their 26-hour sit-in, House Democrats vowed to continue fighting for gun control when Congress resumes in July. Because it’s going to take that long for some of these guys to get up off the floor.

Yesterday House Speaker Paul Ryan referred to the Democratic-led sit-in for gun control as “nothing more than a publicity stunt.” He then added, “Now if you’ll excuse me, my party’s nominee has a WWE match to fight.”

Maserati recently announced a recall for more than 13,000 cars because of a gearshift problem. Coincidentally, a “gearshift problem” is what prompts most men to buy a Maserati in the first place.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The sit-in in the House of Representatives is pretty dramatic. It is so rare that Congress does anything interesting. So I want to take a moment to say something I never thought I would: "Thank you Congress for sitting on your [butt]."

After the protest began, Paul Ryan declared a recess and cut off C-SPAN's live feed. Now, personally, I don't want to live in a world where Paul Ryan decides what's on TV. I'm guessing it would just be P90X infomercials and "Top Gun" 24 hours a day.

But again, it felt exciting. Here's an example. I kid you not, when he heard about this, my teenage son said, "Let's go watch C-SPAN!" I hope he's not on drugs.

C-SPAN saw an 800 percent increase in ratings last night. That means like 800 people were watching.

Ticketmaster is settling a class action lawsuit for overcharging customers. As part of the settlement, they're giving out $5 million in free concert tickets. Obviously, minus a $3.5 million processing fee.

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