The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton is not throwing in the pantsuit.
According to The New York Times, Bill Clinton, while on stage, was actually wiping away a tear. When Hillary saw this, she said, “Don’t worry, Bill. I’ll always be here with you.” And he said, “Don’t make it worse.”
The pundits say Hillary Clinton’s campaign will most likely survive until mid-June. On the Republican side, they say they are optimistic that John McCain will also survive until at least mid-June.
I’m getting inspired by Hillary Clinton. Maybe I won’t leave either.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons I Look Forward To Mother's Day Presented By Dave's Mom
10. "I pay a neighbor kid to pretend he's my son and we get 10% off at IHOP"
9. "Sunday means just one more day 'til 'The Hills'"
8. "Go to see that Harold and Kumar movie"
7. "Unlike other mothers, I don't have to worry about receiving big, cumbersome gifts in the mail"
6. "Illegal fireworks"
5. "I look forward to Sunday because '60 Minutes' makes me feel young"
4. "Can finally get my pulse back to normal after that thrill ride that was Late Show Magician Week"
3. "All the kindness helps me forget I'm being gouged at the pump by those damn oil companies"
2. "It's not Thanksgiving, but that doesn't mean you can't shoot a turkey"
1. "Wow, it's Mother's Day? I'm still hurting from Cinco de Mayo"
Late Show with David Letterman
Here in New York City, the weather is warm and cloudy. Like an Amy Winehouse urine test.
She was recently arrested . . . again. The good news is, her hair was released on its own recognizance.
Hillary Clinton is a fighter. Too bad her campaign is running out of money. And they’re not paying their bills. Here’s what happened today: A collection agency repoed her pantsuit.
She has one thing in common with President Bush: Neither of them has an exit strategy.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
It has been reported that Barack Obama has been negotiating for Hillary Clinton to go away. When he heard this, Bill Clinton said, “I’d love to know how that works.”
Hillary’s advisers say that the chances of her giving up the nomination to Barack is only about 10 percent. However, they say that if he should win the presidency, that number could go as high as 11 percent.
John McCain’s wife was heard saying that they own eight or nine homes. McCain’s wife denies this and said, “What I said is, I tried to put him in a home eight or nine times.”
Nelson Mandela is turning 90. He has asked Amy Winehouse to perform at his 90th birthday party. When asked why he likes Amy Winehouse, he said, “She’s spent more time in jail than I did.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Celebrity birthdays today: Enrique Iglesias and Don Rickles. Very different men, of course. One made a career of people laughing at him and the other is Don Rickles.
Not a great day for gaming fans. There’s a congressional hearing going to take place over the violence in Grand Theft Auto IV. I think congressmen are concerned because they think kids should only see real violence, like what’s on the news.
I’m sure it is comforting to people about to lose their houses to foreclosure to know that Congress is acting quickly on the Grand Theft Auto fake-violence crisis.
Next thing, Congress will be grilling characters from the video games.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Anyone heard of the presidential election? Experts say there’s probably going to be one in November.
Barack Obama picked up four more superdelegates this week. Those are the party big shots whose votes mean more than our votes for some reason. Even so, it’s nice to see a politician pick up something other than a prostitute every once in a while.
The Democrats are in a tough spot: If the superdelegates nominate Clinton, they will alienate a lot of African-American voters. If Obama wins, there are going to be a lot of disappointed women voters, which is why I think more than ever we need a president Oprah.
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