Wednesday May 22 2013
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
White House officials insist that President Obama knew nothing about the IRS scandal until we all heard about it in the news last week. They said because there was an investigation under way, it would have been inappropriate to tell him. And besides, he was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi.
Anthony Weiner has formally announced he is running for mayor of New York City. He posted a video announcing it just after midnight — and being online in the middle of the night has always worked so well for Mr. Weiner.
O.J. Simpson is waiting to see if a judge will grant him a retrial. Have you seen how fat O.J. has gotten? He’s so fat, he’s changed his name from O.J. to "Au Jus."
O.J. is so fat, he wants the judge to throw the cookbook at him.
Last night at midnight, former Congressman Anthony Weiner officially announced in an online video that he is running for mayor of New York. Nothing says "I put my sleazy past behind me" like showing a video on the Internet at midnight.
During a Senate hearing yesterday, Senator John McCain said it was too hard to always have to update apps on his iPhone. No one has the heart to tell him the device he was holding was a garage door opener.
Brad Pitt said in an interview that he has very few friends. In other words, just one more thing that Brad Pitt and I have in common.
In New Jersey a woman found her lost dog by luring the dog back with bacon. She also found the governor of New Jersey.
Late Show with David Letterman
"Hangover 3" opens this weekend. It's based on the famous novel by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
For Memorial Day I'm going to the beach. Nothing gives you more comfort than your lifeguard sitting in the chair texting.
Everything's going bad for President Obama with Benghazi and other controversies. But Obama's trying to turn things around. He's sending in SEAL Team 6 to bring back Justin Bieber's monkey.
And if SEAL Team 6 doesn't work, he's sending in Dennis Rodman.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
On this day in 1859, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was born in Edinburgh, Scotland. He's the creator of Sherlock Holmes. Arthur Conan Doyle was a man of many talents. He was a writer and a doctor. If he were around today, he would be a frequent guest on "Oprah."
In the novels, Sherlock Holmes was a cocaine addict. But he still solved crimes. I would argue that cocaine does not give you crime-solving abilities. The only thing I ever tried to solve while I was on cocaine was how to get more cocaine.
Some people think Sherlock Holmes was a real person. These people are called "stupid."
I thought Holmes' address in London was real. He famously lived and worked at 221B Baker Street. When I was in London, I tried to find it. There's no 221B. It's just a bank. I walked up and down the street for an hour, being judged by snooty English bankers.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
We had an election in Los Angeles yesterday. Three measures involved medical marijuana. The one that passed was a proposition that limits the number of marijuana dispensaries in the city. The rule now is there cannot be more marijuana stores than cupcake shops — because they feed on each other.
The proposition will limit the number of dispensaries in L.A. to 135. Unfortunately, right now there are about 800 pot shops, so the employees of 665 of them will be out of work. And on top of that, their resumes will say they used to work at a pot store. So I wish them luck.
A new study estimates that Colorado residents will legally smoke more than 2 million ounces of marijuana next year. That's like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson's birthday combined.
In November, Colorado passed an amendment that legalized the recreational use of marijuana. It's resulted in a surge of "pot tourism." People come for the weekend to smoke pot and the next thing they know, it's 30 years later they're still there working in a carbon-neutral coffee shop.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Vice President Joe Biden met with two undocumented immigrants this week to promote the new immigration bill. When they learned they had to sit down with Biden, they went ahead and deported themselves.
CBS has become the best-rated network among the 18-49 age group for the first time in 21 years. NBC is still No. 1 among pets whose owners left the TV on to keep them company.
Target is now selling a line of affordable wedding dresses. They say it's perfect for any woman who’s always dreamed of wearing a dress from the same place she buys chips and soap.
New York City is getting a new professional soccer team that will be partially owned by the Yankees. You can tell it's owned by the Yankees because A-Rod won't be playing for that team either.