JokesPageHeader
     
Thursday May 25 2017

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Trump had lunch with French President Emmanuel Macron, who was just sworn in 11 days ago. Trump was like,“Well, 11 days, you must be on your, like, 50th scandal by now?”

Trump is in Belgium right now, which is six hours ahead of us. He kind of liked that because when he sends a crazy tweet at 3:00 a.m., it looks like a thoughtful post at 9:00 p.m.

Last night, a Republican congressional candidate named Greg Gianforte apparently body-slammed a reporter. Some Republicans are defending him, saying the body slam wasn't a big deal — which they might regret in three years when The Rock runs for president.

A college student in Florida is accused of breaking into a building and changing his grade from an “F” to a “B.” His parents were like, “Really, you can't even get an 'A' when you're cheating?”

Conan

The FAA is investigating why a drone appeared in the sky during a San Diego Padres game. Authorities have already ruled out the possibility that someone actually wanted to watch a Padres game.

It's come out that the new Republican healthcare bill will hike premiums by 700 percent for the old and sick. It’s not a good sign that the title of the bill is “Walk It Off, Grandpa.”

A new poll reveals that only 1 in 4 Americans believes President Trump has actually “drained the swamp.” However, 3 out of 4 Americans believe Trump has “peed in the pool.”

Today, Mark Zuckerberg — who dropped out of Harvard University after his sophomore year — gave a commencement speech to Harvard’s graduating class. Zuckerberg began the speech with, “Hello, suckers.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Government officials confirmed this afternoon that a person of interest in the FBI's Russia investigation is Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner. This comes at a bad time, because the Trump administration has just released its budget. Now they must be like, “Oh, we forgot to set aside bail money.”

Meanwhile, Trump continues his trip in Europe. While visiting NATO headquarters today in Brussels, he was caught on camera rudely shoving another world leader out of the way. I mean, is he a president or a bridesmaid positioning to catch the bouquet.

Trump tossed that guy aside like one of his ex-wives.

A new study from Harvard says you can reduce the risk of a potentially fatal heart condition by eating six bars of chocolate a week. Yeah. It reduces the chance of a heart attack because once you give up being in shape, you have way less stress.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I've been paying such close attention to the travels of Donald Trump, it's almost like he took me on the trip with him.

This NATO summit was a chance for Trump to hobnob with a number of world leaders and flex his diplomatic muscles — sometimes literally. He kind of pushes his way past the prime minister of Montenegro, like a kid cutting the line for the ice cream truck.

President Trump addressed his fellow leaders today, he scolded them for not paying their fair share to support NATO and had one particularly harsh word for those who commit acts of terrorism. “All people who cherish life must unite in finding, exposing, and removing these killers and extremists. And yes, losers. They are losers.” That'll learn ’em. He's fighting terrorists the same way he fought Rosie O'Donnell. It doesn't work.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Republican congressional candidate for a special election in Montana yesterday reportedly body-slammed a journalist after he asked a question about the Republican healthcare plan. Now, to be fair, that basically is the Republican healthcare plan.

During a NATO meeting today, President Trump was seen pushing aside the prime minister of Montenegro so he could move to the front of the group. You're a world leader, a world leader at a meeting of dignitaries and you act like they just called your number at KFC.

Former President Obama reportedly received a rock star welcome at an event in Germany today, and President Trump was given a subway mariachi band welcome.

A new report recommends that couples who live together should do chores together. And for some couples, everything they do together is a chore.

Recommended
Free Newsmax E-Alerts
Email:
Country:
Zip Code:
Privacy: We never share your email.
 

Newsmax, Moneynews, Newsmax Health, and Independent. American. are registered trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc. Newsmax TV, and Newsmax World are trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc.

 
NEWSMAX.COM
America's News Page
©  Newsmax Media, Inc.
All Rights Reserved