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Thursday Aug 28 2014

Late Show with David Letterman

It's Labor Day weekend. Labor Day, of course, is a holiday where people take three days off from being unemployed.

It's Labor Day weekend — time to put up your Christmas decorations.

Chinese authorities have seized 30,000 tons of what? Chicken feet. Because they're tainted. Well, there goes my cookout.

Is there really a difference between tainted chicken feet and non-tainted chicken feet? It's negligible.

How many of you have kids heading off to college? Well, don't you worry, because that liberal arts degree, that thing is a license to print money.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

You know, it's hard to believe. But it's almost time for a new season of "Dancing with the Stars." According to TMZ, the producers have a dream list. I have my dream for the next "Dancing with the stars." His name is Rob Ford, Toronto mayor.

If Rob Ford doesn't win re-election, I'm going to try to book him to perform at our office holiday party.

According to an anthropologist from the University of Hawaii, who spent years studying this, Hello Kitty is not actually a cat. I hope the anthropologist was studying other stuff, too.

The anthropologist said she was preparing for a museum exhibit and according to the company that makes Hello Kitty, she is not a cat. She is a cartoon character. And a little girl. But not a cat. That makes as much sense as Hasbro announcing that Mr. Potato Head wasn't a potato.

Hello Kitty is a cat. I don't know why they would take that position. Maybe there's a translation issue.

 
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