JokesPageHeader
     
Thursday Sep 21 2017

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Some good news for President Trump. A new poll shows that his approval ratings just rose three points. That’s right — it’s now at four points.

The U.N. General Assembly is still going on today. North Korea’s foreign minister said Trump’s speech sounded like a “dog barking.” But Trump didn’t respond — cuz he was chasing after a fire truck.

And in an interview today, Sean Spicer said that he has never “knowingly” lied to the American people. Then Spicer said, “Startingggggg NOW!”

Check this out, guys. Target is letting customers download an indoor map to help them find their way around the store. While if you get lost at Costco, they just tell you to forget your old life and move in.

I also read that Taco Bell will start serving alcohol at some locations. So the next time you think that YOU’RE having a bad day, imagine the guy who gets cut off by the cashier at Taco Bell.

Conan

This afternoon, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un lashed out at President Trump, calling him “mentally deranged” and “a frightened dog.” As a result, Kim Jong Un is now the Democrats’ top pick for president in 2020.

In an interview, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said he never knowingly lied to the American people. Then he said, “Dammit, I just lied again. I can’t help myself.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Congressional Republicans are trying to repeal and replace Obamacare with a new proposal called the Graham-Cassidy Bill. Yesterday Donald Trump tweeted his support for the bill saying, “I would not sign Graham-Cassidy if it did not include coverage of pre-existing conditions, it does, a great Bill, repeal and replace.” Now there are two things wrong with that tweet. One, it doesn’t cover pre-existing conditions. And two, he didn't have to capitalize the word “Bill.”

It is not a guy named Bill, he knows that, right? It's not like your great Uncle Bill, you know?

This is a man that has retweeted Nazis and racists. He can't even be bothered to read a Twitter bio. We're supposed to believe he has read an entire healthcare bill? No chance.

Meanwhile, today North Korea’s foreign minister responded to Donald Trump’s speech at the United Nations saying that Trump’s threats to destroy their country are just “the sound of a dog barking.” Now that's not fair because when a dog barks, you actually understand what he is trying to communicate.

Microsoft founder Bill Gates gave a speech yesterday. And in that speech, he apologized for making the ctrl-alt-delete function on computers so complicated. But then he added, I mean, I'm as sorry as I can be about something that made me $85 billion, #sorrynotsorry.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to The Washington Post, in July of 2016, former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort offered to provide private briefings on the presidential race to a Russian billionaire who is close with Vladimir Putin. So Paul Manafort was the campaign manager for Donald Trump, and he met with a billionaire who was friends with Putin, who was in a movie with Kevin Bacon! I did it!

Some 7-Eleven stores are now offering what they are calling “restaurant quality” dishes. “Hey, we should try that!” said Olive Garden.

A teacher in South Carolina has been suspended after she gave her 5th grade class a homework assignment asking them to justify the KKK’s treatment of African-Americans. Also suspended — the kid who got an A.

Eighty years ago today, J. R. R. Tolkien’s book “The Hobbit” was released. To give you an idea what 80 years feels like, watch the movie.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

I’d like to wish my Jewish viewers a happy Rosh Hashanah. I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly. I don't know, none of my Jewish writers are here today.

Of course, Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year. So happy 5778, everybody! I'm so glad it's 5778; 5777 sucked.

But things are looking up, especially with the Russia investigation. As you know, special counsel Robert Mueller has been unearthing all sorts of dirt on the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia.

It just came out that Mueller requested documents from the White House related to “13 different areas in which investigators are seeking information.”

It’s all collected on “Now That’s What I Call Collusion: Volume 45.”

Available wherever CDs are still sold. So I’m gonna say Starbucks.

Recommended
Free Newsmax E-Alerts
Email:
Country:
Zip Code:
Privacy: We never share your email.
 

Newsmax, Moneynews, Newsmax Health, and Independent. American. are registered trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc. Newsmax TV, and Newsmax World are trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc.

NEWSMAX.COM
America's News Page
© Newsmax Media, Inc.
All Rights Reserved