JokesPageHeader
     
Monday Apr 21 2014

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that 81 percent of parents admit to stealing Easter candy from their children. While the other 19 percent of parents don't think it counts as stealing if you bought the candy in the first place.

Vladimir Putin said he thinks that President Obama would save him if he were drowning. Then President Obama said, “There's only one way to find out.”

Congrats to Chelsea Clinton. Last week, she announced that she is expecting her first child. If it’s a girl, it’ll get some of Chelsea’s old hand-me-downs; and if it’s a boy, it’ll get some of Hillary’s.

Some people are claiming they have spotted the Loch Ness monster on Apple Maps. But it turned out it was just a car that drove into the lake because it was using Apple Maps.

Late Show with David Letterman

A 16-year-old kid got on an airplane in San Jose, but he didn't really get on. He just climbed up into the landing gear on a flight to Hawaii. At JetBlue that's business class.

The 16-year-old kid claims that he passed out right after take-off and woke up just before landing. Isn't that everybody's dream flight?

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is running for re-election, and he's got a catchy campaign slogan: "Forget my first term. I was on crack."

Hillary Clinton is going to be a grandmother. She's very excited about it. She's home right now knitting a tiny pantsuit.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today is John Muir Day. He is the father of our national parks, the most famous naturalist of all time. Do not confuse a "Naturalist" with a "Naturist." A naturalist is an expert on nature. A naturist is an expert on walking around outside naked.

John Muir devoted his life to preserving nature. Without his tireless effort, America would be a dirty, over-developed commercial wasteland. Or as we call that here, "Los Angeles."

John Muir and I actually have a lot in common. He was born in Scotland. I was born in Scotland. He relocated to America. I relocated to America. His activism changed U.S. history. I relocated to America.

John Muir was so dedicated to the environment that he would house woodland creatures in his beard. That's Scottish tradition. Sean Connery does it in his chest hair.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Chelsea Clinton has announced that she is pregnant with her first child. The baby is expected to crawl after nine months and run in 2055.

This weekend over 37,000 people went to Denver to participate in the 4th annual Cannabis Cup. And they all made memories that would last a few minutes.

Last week, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver announced that he wants to raise the league’s age minimum from 19 to 20. The league’s age maximum will continue to be Kevin Garnett.

 
Email:
 
Retype Email:
 
Country:
 
Zip Code:
Your e-mail address and personal information is confidential as stated in our Privacy Policy.
 

Newsmax, Moneynews, and Independent. American. are registered trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc. Newsmax TV, NewsmaxWorld, NewsmaxHealth, are trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc.

 
NEWSMAX.COM
America's News Page
©  Newsmax Media, Inc.
All Rights Reserved