Looks like they're working out the Ebola situation. The CDC has released new guidelines about what healthcare workers should wear to protect themselves when treating Ebola patients. For starters, this Halloween they've outlawed the slutty hazmat suit.
At a polling station while President Obama was standing next to a woman, a man shouted out, "Hey, Mr. President, stay away from my girlfriend." He didn't say this because Obama was flirting with her, but because his girlfriend is a Democrat running for re-election.
The NFL has created a sportsmanship award that will be presented to the winner on the eve of the Super Bowl. The winner will be whichever NFL player's not in jail on the eve of the Super Bowl.
Actor Matthew McConaughey says he doesn't want the Washington Redskins to change their name. When asked for a comment, a spokesman for all Native-American tribes said, "I guess that settles it. Just waiting for word from Matthew McConaughey. Now we can move on."
It was Game 1 of the World Series tonight. The Kansas City Royals haven't been in the World Series since 1985. Things were very different back then. Tensions were high with Russia, Congress locked up in partisan bickering, my career was in the dumps. These are all bad examples.
If San Francisco wins the World Series, you can expect a big parade. If San Francisco loses, you can expect a big parade. If you go to San Francisco anytime, expect a big parade.
Scientists have done a virtual autopsy on King Tut's body. They say King Tut had buck teeth and a club foot. If they want to know what King Tut looked like, why didn't they just ask Larry King?
Bill Murray is with us tonight. Booking Bill Murray is not unlike capturing a leprechaun.
In Kansas City tonight is Game 1 of the World Series. I love baseball. You know, baseball was our national pastime before selfies took over.
Kim Kardashian turned 34 years old. I hope she got the day off from work. Can you imagine trying to buy Kim Kardashian a gift. What do you get for the woman who has everything for no apparent reason?
Kim Kardashian, by the way, shares a birthday with Benjamin Netanyahu and the scientist Alfred Nobel. Which just goes to show you: Horoscopes are crap.