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Thursday Nov 20 2014

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

President Obama will travel to Las Vegas to speak at the same high school where he laid out his immigration plan two years ago. So Obama's become that guy who graduated a while ago and still comes back to hang with the seniors.

The acting director of the Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, said they may make the fence around the White House taller because of the recent security failures. When asked if he had any other ideas, he said, "Uh, make the sidewalk lower?"

After signing a contract for $325 million this week, Marlins player Giancarlo Stanton celebrated with a $20,000 bottle of Champagne. So let the road to inexplicable bankruptcy begin!

When asked what made the Champagne so expensive, the bartender said, "I heard this guy just made $325 million."

Late Show with David Letterman

Anyone ever flown JetBlue? No, that's not true. If you'd flown JetBlue, you would still be at the airport.

I hear JetBlue is reducing leg room by 1.5 inches. Know why? Because so many passengers on JetBlue look around and say, it's so roomy in here! I feel so uncomfortable with all this space!

It's the 105th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. It's all Lincoln this, Lincoln that, Lincoln with his big hat, oh sure! But you know who the unsung hero is? Lincoln's cue card guy.

There will be no Kardashian family Christmas card this year because they couldn't decide on an appropriate photo. I thought, when did the word "appropriate" ever have anything to do with that family?

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama gave a speech on immigration tonight, and none of the big four TV networks aired it. Even television wants to distance itself from President Obama now.

The band One Direction is here tonight. Why do girls scream when they see their favorite pop stars? I wonder if long ago there was some handsome Neanderthal playing a gourd and all the women went "Ahhh!"

Yeah, One Direction, it's very exciting. I've already fainted nine times. Lots of tweens have lined up in the alley in the back of our studio. It's like tween skid row out there.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today is Vice President Joe Biden's birthday! Biden started the day with a dance party and a big piece of cake, and then he remembered it was his birthday.

Bono broke his arm in six places, and fractured his hand and shoulder blade in a bike accident in Central Park this week. But that's what can happen when you live your life too close to The Edge.

Today police in Israel seized dozens of weapons that had been disguised as Christmas decorations. Israeli police became suspicious when they saw CHRISTMAS decorations.

 
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