St. Patrick’s Day is a catholic holiday, using catholic with a small “c,” which means all-inclusive and/or, in the broader sense. And, in general terms, St. Paddy’s Day is such a widely celebrated holiday that virtually everybody is Irish on this day, with people of all ethnicities, from Italian, to Polish, to Latino, to English, to German, to Russian, etc., etc., and yada, yada, yada, jumping onto the bandwagon and wearin’ green, eating green cookies, sporting shamrocks with the dare “Kiss me, I’m Irish,” chowing down on corned beef and cabbage, and even washing it down with green beer.
You might even want to chew on some green eggs and ham to proclaim, “Irish, I am.”
The Catholic — big “C” — holiday lures people of all denominations to celebrate the life of the man who drove the snakes out of Ireland and converted the pagans to Christianity.
Irish or not — and Catholic or not — you can’t celebrate the holiday appropriately without an arsenal of Irish jokes to tell wherever you’re celebrating. And don’t worry, a whole passel of them steer clear of Irish stereotypes.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for 500 pounds, but an Englishman's brain cost 10,000 pounds.
“That proves,” said the Englishman, “that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.”
“No it doesn't,” said the Irishman, “it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used.”
A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne's pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when, O'Leary, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, “You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.”
“I'm sorry sir, I . . . “
“Not you,” says O'Leary, “I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.”
· “The late Bishop Fulton J. Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.”
· An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question? "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
· Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
· Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?" Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
· Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantelpiece?" "No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
An Ireland information website www.ireland-information.com/irishjokes.htm features not only jokes but also blessings.
Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.
"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
“Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?”
And a blessing:
“May your pockets be heavy,
“Your heart be light —
“And may good luck pursue you
“Each morning and night.”
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