Tags: carney | jay | obama

What Jay Carney Could Tell Us

Monday, 02 Jun 2014 08:19 AM

By Jon Friedman

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With the announcement last week that White House Press Secretary Jay Carney is resigning, speculation is building that Carney knows President Obama's juiciest secrets. Naturally, talk has been spreading, too, that big New York publishers will be clamoring to acquire the rights to a tell-all book.

Carney, naturally, isn't saying anything about that. And it is unlikely that such a loyal aide would turn on the POTUS. But I'd like to imagine what an installment from Carney's official diary might say. Let's imagine a typical day:

9:00: Barack summons me into his office to tell me a secret. He has been practicing hard to defeat LeBron James, who will be his official guest later today for a game of one-on-one. "I owe him one," Barack says.

11:20: LeBron finally arrives — 20 minutes late. Barack is excited. Barack tells Vlad (Putin) he had an "emergency" and that he'd have to call him back in two hours. (Gee, I sure hope the Ukraine isn't blowing up).

11:30: After a few pleasantries, LeBron drops a bomb on the POTUS: He prefers to play a game of HORSE instead of onion one. POTUS is quietly furious — I know that look — but he gives in.

12:30: It's going to be a bad day. Barack is very upset Despite his elaborate training regimen, LeBron "schooled" him at their game of HORSE. LeBron engaged in some good-natured trash-talking to cap off his victory, as if he were playing the Utah Jazz and not the president! "I'm the real LBJ," LeBron tells him. Barack is not happy.

1:00: LeBron turned down the POTUS' offer of a rematch, saying he didn't want to be late for a meeting in Arlington with Warren Buffett. Boy, was he steamed about THAT! LeBron comes and goes but Barack will take it out on me later.

4:00: POTUS has been in seclusion all day, sulking about his defeat to LeBron. I knock on his door to make sure he's doing OK, only to find him ripping out a package of Ring-Dings. He looks stern. "This never happened. Michelle can't know about this, Jay. I'm serious!"

Oh, the stories that Jay Carney could tell, eh?

Jon Friedman writes the Media Matrix blog for Indiewire.com. He is also the author of "Forget About Today: Bob Dylan's Genius for (Re)Invention, Shunning the Naysayers, and Creating a Personal Revolution." Read more reports from Jon Friedman — Click Here Now.
 

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