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Thursday Aug 08 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

I guess you all heard about this terrorist threat the president warned us about. One of the reasons al-Qaida is upset with the United States is because we are giving aid to Yemen. We didn’t have a choice. When life hands you Yemen, you give them Yemen aid.

The Mars rover Curiosity is celebrating its first anniversary on Mars. So far, in the year it’s been up there it’s sent back 70,000 photos. I know that sounds like a lot, but it’s still less than Anthony Weiner sent out.

Researchers at the University of Chicago say that dolphins, not elephants, have the longest memories in the animal kingdom. They confirmed this when a dolphin was upset that an elephant it had met 20 years ago didn’t even recognize him.

Before they went on vacation, Congress voted to exempt themselves from Obamacare. They gave themselves a special exemption because they thought it was too expensive. So the people who voted for Obamacare for us voted to exempt themselves from it. You know how doctors take the Hippocratic Oath. Congress apparently takes the "Hypocritic Oath."

Conan

The Secret Service is asking people on Twitter to report any suspicious tweets. So now if your boss catches you on Twitter, just tell him you're protecting the country.

A man in Colorado wants marijuana to be classified as a vegetable. I just have to say that that's an ingenious way to get Americans to stop smoking pot.

A scientist has figured out a way to turn coffee grounds into alcohol. He is not so much a scientist as he is an alcoholic.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Fifty years ago today was "the great train robbery." Robbers got away with $63 million in cash from a postal train in Britain. My father worked for the post office at that time. He was supposed to be working on the night that it was robbed, but he had the flu. He called in sick. Coincidence?

All I know is right after the great train robbery, we ate well around my house. Yes, that is the night we got a brand new potato.

The train was going from Glasgow to London. So the Scottish banks lost millions. Scottish people were spewing venom and then the robbery happened and it got worse.

I like heist movies. "Oceans 11" was a good one. Then there was "Oceans 12" where they robbed the people who went to see the movie.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The third-largest lottery drawing in the U.S. took place last night, a Powerball jackpot worth $448 million. The jackpot will be split between three winners. I'm happy for whoever they are, as long as their names are not Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, or Kris.

One of the winners is a 45-year-old man from Ham Lake, Minnesota, which sounds delicious.

After taxes and jet skis, I think the winnings work out to $148.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city's students passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they're too bad at math to realize how bad that is.

LeBron James of the Miami Heat had to report for jury duty today. Of course there will be 11 other jurors to help decide the case, but you know he'll wind up doing it all by himself.

After The Washington Post and The Boston Globe were both sold this week, the owner of The New York Times came out and said that his paper is not for sale. Oh yeah? Then how come I just bought one at a newsstand?

 
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