Wednesday Aug 07 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

U.S. embassies are closed all around the Middle East this week due to a terrorist threat. What happened was the U.S. intercepted a conference call of 20 al-Qaida operatives. Twenty on one conference call! Who is their carrier? I go under a bridge and my cellphone drops the call, but they can get 20 people in one call from a cave?

We had President Obama on the show last night. It was a huge honor, but all the security made it difficult getting into the building. Security was checking IDs, the Secret Service was searching cars, Donald Trump was out front checking birth certificates — it was crazy.

The Republican National Committee now says if NBC and CNN don't pull plans for a Hillary Clinton miniseries and movie, they won't hold any Republican debates on those networks. That works for me! Now if we could just get the Democrats to pull their debates, we wouldn’t have to watch any of that crap.

This story just gets crazier: Two more women have come forward to accuse San Diego Mayor Bob Filner of sexual misconduct. That brings the total to 13 — or as Filner calls it, a groper's dozen.


President Obama has called off a summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin because of diplomatic differences. Also, Obama didn't like Putin's demand that the summit be held shirtless and on horseback.

Michelle Obama's new initiative is to fight obesity through hip-hop. She hopes it goes better than the previous initiative — fighting marijuana use through reggae.

Brigham Young University has been named the top sober school in America for the 16th year in a row. The students celebrated by having the worst party ever.

The NFL announced that referees are going to crack down this year on excessive celebrations. NFL players are being told not to show off too much after a touchdown, a sack, or a murder.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I'm not one of those ex-smokers who says, "I'll never smoke again." I would start smoking again in a heartbeat. The only thing stopping me is the painful early death.

I fancy smoking a pipe. Actually, I would like to just fill my pipe and then put on a robe and go around solving crimes.

The big trend these days is electronic cigarettes. They are not as bad for you. I suppose they're safer than regular cigarettes, but a lot of things are safer than cigarettes. That's like saying your movie made more money than "The Lone Ranger" or like saying you fathered fewer children than Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The University of Iowa has been named the No. 1 party school in America for 2013. So congratulations and shame on them.

One thing nice about Iowa: It is flat. So when you pass out you won't fall off any cliffs or anything.

An Iowa spokesman said the percentage of kids drinking five or more drinks in a day dropped from 73 percent in 2009 to only 58 percent last year. I like that they say "only 58 percent." That is when you know you have a party school on your hands.

I don't know why the Iowa school would deny something like that. If I was in charge, not only would I not deny it, I would mention it in all the advertising.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

During a fundraiser last night, Mitt Romney told Republicans that they need to pick a candidate for 2016 who can actually win. And Republicans said, "Yeah, I wish you told us that last year. But hey, thanks a lot."

Last week, a woman in Nevada gave birth to a healthy baby boy in the bathroom of a Subway restaurant. Afterwards, the manager said, "Uh, you still have to buy something. Restrooms are for customers only."

A study found that if given a choice, most Americans would not want to live to the age of 120. People don't want to live to 120 except for one group — people who are at 119.

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